Too upset to eat

I’m starting to not mind this. I’m so upset, so depressed, I've lost all desire to eat.

I literally can not stop crying and it’s just making my throat sort of close up and I’m sure I couldn't eat if I wanted to. I don’t even know what I’m upset over.

Just...everything. I really just want to end it all. I really really do. Everyday the idea becomes more and more incising. But I'm sure I won't. I have too much hope. But I'm not sure how long it'll last. I keep telling myself to smile, to stop thinking of negative things, to think positive. It's hard. Everything is making me cry and wish I was dead. Hopefully this will pass soon.

I have no idea what's going on.  

-Cassie

Last night I had a dream that I weighed 105. That might not be too far from the truth. I'm afraid to weigh myself considering the fact that I haven't been working out at all and I've been sorta kinda eat a lot. Just a lt of graham crackers. And egg nog.

Un/fortunately my phone is off until tomorrow at the latest. It's like a relief because now I don't have to worry about texting people and waiting for them to reply and such. But now I'm worried about all the texts I may be missing.
If any.
I'm still half-asleep so I'm not really sure what I'm saying/what's going on. I think I'll just spend the day on Etsy again.

I'm still alive. And a lot better.

Successful Day was Successful

Today was a rather good day. Not just dieting but overall.
School was bearable, I finished all my Pri-Docs, I did a great workout and I re-discovered the wonderfulness that is the Spit-n-Chew method.
I feel great (:
And I'm actually going to walk home tomorrow. And everyday after that. It's like I just made a huge breakthrough.
Tomorrow I'm babysitting until Saturday morning, and then I may be going to a party. Sunday I'm chillin with Braxton and then a new week starts, void of tests and projects. Things are pretty great.

I'm so much more motivated. Not by super-lovely things, but motivated nonetheless.
Ana is being good to me ^_^
It's a little past 10:30. I should try to get some extra sleep for once.

-Cassie

Tips: Chew n Spit

I really don't use this method as much as I should. I did it just now with my dinner and it worked pretty well. I only ended up eating about half of my chicken fajita.

Make sure you drink water between every bite. It fills you up, but also tricks your mind into thinking you're full from eating. I can tell because a part of me feel guilty even though I've eaten barely anything.
You're going to ingest some calories no matter what, but it's not as much as you would if you actually at it. And it's a good alternative to purging if you're terrified like me (:

Current Stats as of November 8, 2012

Weight: 98.6 lbs / 44.7 kg / 7 st


Bust: 30” / 76.2 cm


Waist: 24” / 60.9 cm


Hips: 33” / 83.8 cm


Thighs: 18” / 45.7 cm

Why can't I just do this?

I just want to be skinny.
I just want to be skinny.
I just want to be skinny.

I just want to be fucking skinny.

Why can't I just stop eating? Why? Every time I put food into my stupid face I instantly regret it. It makes me hate myself. I hate myself while I'm making it, I hate myself while I'm eating it, and I hate myself 10 fold afterwards. God if I only I wasn't such a little bitch about purging. It's not that fucking hard. I did it when I was 7.
7!
And I've thrown up tons of more times after that, just not on purpose. It's not that bad. It's not. I can do it. I can. And I will.
Or I'll just stop fucking over eating. I just need to be 80. I need to. I will.

I just want to be skinny. I need control.

-Cassie

Just 3 more hours!

I just have to make it 3 more hours to complete my 24 hour water fast.
I feel a little weird though. Like, slightly out of it. I think I may just be paranoid about passing out like last time. We'll see. Either way, things are good. I should probably start my homework.

Yep, I do feel rather weird. And I'm just sitting in bed. I'm getting a little worried.

-Cassie Ana

I won't eat until he texts me.

That has become my motto, my incentive for continuing this fast. It's working rather well and I don't know why.

-Cassie Ana

Fasting. Probably.

Since tomorrow is election day in the US I don't have school.  I think I'm going to fast, from now until whenever the results come in. For the past few days I've blown off the ABC diet and I've just eaten whatever. Sorta. There was some moderation, but considering the fact that I went through a pack of Milanos in one day, and I had a shit ton of pizza last week, and I drank non-diet soda...yeah, I spiked my calorie intake. The last time I weighed myself I was only 98.6, so maybe fasting for 24+ hours will help. It'll just fuck things up and I don't know.

I wish I could be stricter when it came to my diets. Things will be so much better when I can join the gym. And when I have a job. And a car.

-Cassie

UPDATE

November 3, 2012

I'm failing so hard at the ABC diet. I surprisingly weigh 98.6 despite my insane binges on the 27th and again on the 31st. I'm out of all the snack food my grandma bought me so I will now try to instill better eating habits.

I have to drink more water. Just so you guys know, if you take Biotin supplements for hair growth or to prevent hair loss it will make your skin break out extremely bad if you don't drink enough water. If you stay hydrated it will help clear it though. I haven't been drinking any water so my skin is breaking out like crazy. So I will now be drinking at least a cup of water every hour, plus taking sips between every bite of food.

Also, I'm growing my hair out and making it healthy because I plan to dye it pastel colors when I meet my UGW/when summer starts.

-Cassie