I was so tired from my shift last night I ended up oversleeping and missing school/this half-important half-mediocre standardized test. But whatever. At least I get to take it later i.e. not have to wait 4+ hours in a dead silent room.
Tests in general have become my biggest fear because it's so awkward when my stomach growls!

But anyway, I work from 4-8. Hopefully I'll be doing the same thing I did last night (cutting and labeling pizzas). And since there's like no food in the house, I'll be fasting today. All day ^_^
I should probably start doing something productive like studying or cleaning or whatever.

Orientation Tomorrow.

I accidentally slept all day. It's like 12am, I'm so fucked. But whatever. I have orientation tomorrow and I'm pretty excited. I'm on the cusps of excited as fuck and nervous as fuck. I just want money! My flat iron is about to break completely so I might have to shell out $120 for a new one. Meh. That won't be for a few weeks. I'm just stressing out about life.
I just need to start working and then things will be fine. Ugh. I'm dehydrated. And out of it. I just need to make it through the next 15 hours and I'll be good.

I have a job!!

I got hired at the new Lil Caesars by my school over the weekend. I turned in the application on Friday, the manager asked me to come back for an interview on Saturday at 12 and after about 45 minutes of mediocre interview questions and a short test on common sense I was hired. Orientation is on Wednesday and I'm going tomorrow to buy clothes n stuff. I'm so excited! This means I'll have something to do after school and on weekends i.e. I'll be distracted from eating! And of course I'll be making money. I've been making a list off all the things I need.

So let's say I work 30 hours a week making $7.25 an hour, after taxes (I'll just overestimate and take half) I'll get about $220. I can buy all the things!

• $30 - To get my guitar out of the pawn shop
• $25 - To pay Chris back for buying me a shirt at the Twiztid show
• $17 - Hatchetman Charm
• $12 - Stripped leggings 
• $30 - Tribal Ankle Boots
• $33 - New handbag (to be fair I don't own a single purse so yeah)
• $13 - Wallet
• $50 - Savings
• $10 cash

Still alive

Just procrastinating.

I'm a mess

I just pawned my guitar so I could go to a concert tonight. Now I'm waiting for my friend to text me and tell me when he's coming to pick me up, hoping that he doesn't screw me over.
And mainly hoping that the tickets won't be sold out when I get there, though that seems unlikely. But still, I'm panicking. That's just what I do.

I'm extremely hungry, but I can't eat. The thought of burning all those calories tonight makes me not want to put a single thing in my mouth. But the fear of possibly passing out isn't too cool.
On top of all this, I'm extremely tired like I usually am after school. It's like 4:40. Ugh! I can't sleep because I'm afraid I'll miss texts and stuff. The show doesn't end until 2 so there's a good chance that I'll be up for the next 24-hours. One does not simply go to bet at 3 and wake up at 5:40. I'm already planning on buying a few Monsters on my way to school in the morning.

But I felt rather skinny today so I took a picture of my progress:

-Cassie Ana

I don't know what's worse: The fact that I ate 4 slices of pizza or the fact that I had to spend $8 dollars for it. Honestly the latter is upsetting me more than the former. But whatever. I'm fasting until Sunday morning.
I'm trying to find the positive though. I got to hang out with this girl I'm basically in love with and she gave me a cigarette. Meh. I'm really not into this "being alive" thing at the moment.

-Cassie

4.4 Lunabelle Diet Day 11

Breakfast: 15

• Vitamins

Exercise: (-119)

• Walking up/down stairs - 3 min (-18)
• Walking during school - 20 min (-45)
• Push-ups - 1 min (-6)
• Pilates - 22 min (-50)

Net Intake -104/0 calories

It's so cold, but I have hot tea and an awesome sweater. I'm actually home for once. Usually I go to Starbucks after school, but it's far too cold for that. Though it would of been a great way for me to resist eating (as ironic as that sounds). But whatever. I need to get some school work done for once.

Anyway, I've made it almost 15.5 hours without eating. Going through the school day was a breeze. I think I might actually stop snacking in 2nd period and taking my lunch. I'll just eat in the morning and maybe something in 6th period if my stomach gets annoying.
Things aren't getting easier. My grandma bought us groceries and there are 3 mini packs of Milano cookies in the kitchen. 180 calories each. And my mom just made me put a pizza in the oven. 360 calories per slice. Usually, since it's just my mom and I, I eat exactly half. Soooo over 1,000 calories from just dinner. Gross.
But I'll be okay. My problem is the fear of wasting food. I just need to make myself understand that I can always save the pizza until tomorrow. But yeah. After I finish my tea I'll work out a bit and then fall asleep try to get some homework done.

-Cassie Ana

Dear Cassie

Stop, you've had enough. You don't need to eat anymore. You don't need dinner, you don't need a "snack". You can survive without mindless snacking. Don't let me down; Don't let yourself down.
Do feel like eating? Why? Seriously, as yourself why. Because you're bored? Because you're sad? Because you're lonely? Food is not going to make you feel better. You and I know both know all too well that mindlessly shoving food down your throat is not going to help. It's just going to make you hate yourself and feel like a failure. Because that's all you are at this point. A failure.
Instead of eating think of how fat you are. Think of how much fatter you will be. Look at your stomach. Look at the rolls, the bloating, the obscene protrusion. Take of your pants - go on, do it. Look at your thighs, how huge they are. Now look at your ass. Remember when he said your ass was "killer"? I think he was just trying to be nice. Still hungry? Think of how nice it'll be when you're skinny. How hot you'll look with trim, toned thighs, a nice round butt, a thin stomach with slight abs. You can't possibly expect to put a belly ring on that monstrosity you call a stomach. It's getting hotter. Think of how amazing you'll look in skirts and shorts. Those leggings you want to buy-you can wear them with thighs like yours. Think of how his draw will drop when he sees you in them if you don't eat and continue to work out religiously. Think of how badly you want him, now multiply that by 100. That's how he'll feel when he sees you. But not now. You're too weak. You can't even go a few hours without eating. Wow.

Still wanting to shove food in your face? Drink a glass of water, or better yet some tea. Do those squats. Or do Pilates. Think of how bad he hurt you. Think of that feeling you get when he walks away, think of that feeling you got when he gave you that half-assed answer today. It's because you're ugly. Undesirable. Take that pain, that anger, that disappointment and put it into your workout. That physical pain is nothing in comparison so don't you dare quit! Take that pain and make it useful.

You don't need food and you don't need that peasant. But you do need to be hot. Beautiful. You can do it. You don't need to eat. Don't eat. It's not that hard. Just don't do it. If you make it through today, it'll just get easier. You just need to get through this okay? You're worthy of it. You're worthy of being beautiful and hot and sexy. Drink some water. Now. The hunger is just in your head. What will you lose by not eating except for all that fat? Now what will you gain? Everything. But mostly self-control.
Please don't let me down. At the end of the day, I'm the only one that will always be there for you, but only if you let me.

-Ana

Pilates guys. It's great. I'm gonna have such an amazing body by the time school's out. 

Tomorrow is a 500 calorie day and we are officially out of junk food in the house. So it shouldn't be too hard. I want this more than anything. My ex is trying to interpolate himself back into my life and to be completely honest, nothing motivates me through a work out more than the thought of becoming super fucking toned and hot and him knowing that he can't have me like he did before. Major ego-boost. I don't really have much to talk about. It's raining like crazy but I'm gonna go have a smoke. And then hopefully sleep at a decent time (despite the fact that I took a 4 hour nap this afternoon).

-Cassie

4.1 Lunabelle Diet Day 8 Food Log

Breakfast: 200

• Vitamins (15)
• PB&J Sandwich (185)
• 1 tbsp of strawberry jelly (40)
• 1 tbsp of peanut butter (95)
• 1 slice of whole wheat bread (50)

Lunch: 118

• Sandwich (118)
• 1 slice of whole wheat bread (50)
• 1.5 slices of turkey (30)
• 1 slice of tomato (3)
• 1 tbsp of light mayo (35)

Snacks: 165

• Steamed broccoli & carrots (125)
• 1 cup of broccoli (54)
• 1 cup of carrots (35)
• 1 tbsp butter (36)
• 1/2 Gala apple (40)

Exercise: -219

• Walking - 70 min (-163)
• Walking upstairs - 3 min (-18)
• Squats & push-ups - 1 min (-6)
• Pilates - 8 min (-32)

Net Intake: 264/400 calories

Gonna have a smoke and then exercise my sorrows away.