Freezing

My mom is in the hospital
I'm out of food.
I don't know how to work the heater.

All I have is tea and my boyfriend's jacket to keep me alive until probably tomorrow. I've definitely lost something in the past few days. Lost of physical activity/being cold.

Winter is no place for an Ana. I'm so cold all the time! My hands and feet especially. It's to be expected because I'm pretty sure I'm still anemic. But it sucks. It's only October and I'm almost unable to bear the weather. But at least being cold burns calories.
I have nothing to do so I guess I should get started on all my homework.

-Cassie

Unintentional fast

I haven't eaten in 17 hours. Maybe I can make it another 7.

I woke up at 7 this morning; School starts at 7:25. I didn't get to eat breakfast nor make a sandwich lunch. So I ended up not eating all day. I was planning on getting one of those 100 calorie oreo snacks at lunch, but by 5th period I realized that I wasn't all that hungry nor was my stomach growling (Really, my stomach growling is my only incentive for eating before or during school. It's so awkward!). So I went through the whole day and I plan on making it to, at the earliest, 6. I'll have to eat in the morning to avoid the chance of fainting during school. I'm not ready to attempt 2 days yet.

And it's kinda funny because I'm on the ABC diet as you know and today was supposed to be a fast day but I changed it because I didn't want to not eating during school. So yeah, Ana save me a bit. If I hadn't of woken up late today would of played out as usual: With me eating and probably going over my calorie limit.

But such happiness has a price. I feel like Braxton is mad at me. I sorta told him that I hadn't eaten in so many hours and that I was trying to go make it to 24. But I tried to lie explain that it was just to see if I could do it, not to actually fast. He hasn't texted me and it may be because of various reasons, but of course I jump to conclusions.

I'm just extremely upset about unfortunate yet insignificant events.

Current Stats as of October 23, 2012

Weight: 98.6 lbs / 44.7 kg

Waist: 24" / 60.9cm

Hips: 33.5" / 85cm

Thighs: 18.5"  / 46.9cm

I cut myself today.

It was the first time in 8 months. I don't feel bad like I usually do. I don't care.

I'm just feel really bad right now. I want this all to stop. I want to stop being so awkward and I want friends. I want to be skinny and normal and why can't things just work out for me?
I hate myself because I'm complaining about nothing and everyone hates me and I'll be alone forever.

And I'm contemplating if I should eat or not. I have a net of 154. Or something. But I want to prove to myself that I actually have self-control. Plus, food tends to seem unappealing after I've been crying.

-Cassie

Damn school cookies!

My school sells some amazing chocolate chip cookies. They are literally to die for! I just found out that they have 220 calories in them.

What the fuck?! Is that a normal calorie amount for a chocolate chip cookie? Regardless, I shan't be eating them anymore. I was so happy because I made it through the morning without having to have a small snack to stop my stomach from growling (100).

Bleh. I would of reached my goal of 500. Tomorrow is 300 and I'm not sure how I will accomplish that. But I will try.

-Cassie

The Last Meal

• Pistachios (170)
• 1 Subway Turkey Breast foot long (560)
• Apple Juice (250)
• Reese's (210)
• 2 Slices of pizza (620)

1,810 calories. 

What the fuck am I doing? How did I let this happen? Well...I don't want to sit here and yell at myself and hate myself and whatnot. What's done is done. I can't undo it. I'll just think of this as the last meal for all my fat.

The stress of Homecoming hasn't been helping. If anything it's just been making me eat more than normal. I won't be 95 by Homecoming. But that's okay. It's just Homecoming. Not prom or whatever.

So I'm just going to work on reaching my first GW "naturally". Not by Saturday, just in a normal amount of time.

I can do this.

See, I feel really stupid. I keep starting over and saying "oh, I'm gonna start doing this and this and this and blah blah blah", but I always screw up. I'm sorry guys. I'm really trying though. I know I can do this, it's just a question of if I will. Do I want this bad enough?

yes.

-Cassie

101.2

one-O-fucking-one.

point 2.

What the fuck? What the fuck am I doing? What the fuck have I done? I saw that just a few moments ago on the scale and I wanted to cry. I want to fucking die! I want to kill myself. I hate it. I was so close. So fucking close. Why can't I just do this? Why can't I just have self-control.

I fucking hate everything right now! Everything and everyone! I'm never going to eat again. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever! Not until I get to 95. Why is that so fucking hard?!

Fuck.

-Cassie

Current Stats as of October 6, 2012

Weight: 101.2 lbs / 45.9 kg

Waist: 24" / 60.9cm

Hips: 33.5" / 85cm

Thighs: 18.5"  / 46.9cm

Homecoming and Fasting

Homecoming is in exactly one week. I weigh 100.4. I'm fucking terrible.
I need to weigh 95 by next Saturday. I have to.

I'm fasting all-day today. For the next 7 days I'll be eating as little as possible and exercising as much as I can.

Today my boyfriend noticed how prominent my hipbones are and how much they stick out. He told me that he really liked it.

That makes me want to keep losing. It makes me want to be skinnier, for him. I know that's not what he would want, but still.

But at the same time it makes me feel disgusted with myself because I'm fucking fat. I can't stop eating. yeah, I walk home nearly everyday, and I only eat around 200 calories, but...I haven't weighed myself in a few days and I KNOW I'm around 99.
If I'm over, I think I may die.

-Cassie