In an hour an a half it'll be June.

New diet, new Blogilates calendar, new Cassie. I know I'm notorious for starting over, but I am determined. With no school, no shitty people, no upsetting circumstances, I am unstoppable. Gosh you guys have no idea how excited I am for the summer! So many plans! So many ways to better myself!

And just one full day of school + 1.5 hours for finals left until I'm be done with my Junior year! It'll all be over guys. I can't wait.

I've developed some rules for myself for the summer. One of them is to get at least 8 hours of sleep every night so I might as well start off the first day of June/The New Me off right by doing that. Goodnight lovelies (: I'll explain more tomorrow.

-Cassie Ana

Update, yo.

Crazy stuff has happened in this past week. Maybe one day I'll recount it all, but long story short I have a new boyfriend and he's lovely.
He guilt-tripped me into showing him my pro-ana blog and now he wants me to gain 4 pounds. Such a random number, I know. But whatever. He's adorable. And I need to get better, Though I'm afraid that if he gets me new batteries for my scale it'll trigger me and I'll relapse.

On a similar note, I'm sorta forced to eat now because not eating really triggers my derealization and if you don't know what that is, just know that it's literally the worst thing I've ever experienced. It's like being on the verge of going crazy whilst questioning whether or not the world around is actually real. But whatever.

It turns out I'm not moving. I'm cool with that. Life is great, guys.

-Cassie

30 Day ED Challenge Day 7

What about it do you enjoy?

The control. Counting calories, exercise, measurements...it makes me feel powerful and so in control of my body and my life. It is was such a big part of my life. Everything revolved around that net intake and what the scale would read the next morning. If anything, I enjoy the fact that it gives me something to do. Something to focus on.

30 Day ED Challenge Day 6

What part of your ED do you dislike the most?

There are so many things, how could I pick just 1? I think the worst thing may be what it's doing to my mind. Not eating is literally making me stupid and crazy. It's triggering my depersonalization which is fucking Hell dealing with. And on top of that I'm always so tired and confused my school work is suffering. Even now, typing this is extremely difficult because I can't think straight. 

I just don't feel like myself. I feel dead. It's like I'm dead. 

Best. Weekend. Ever.

These past 48 hours have been crazy.
I can't even.

It's been a blur of cigarette smoke, Godiva vodka, hit & runs, rough sex and too few calories.

-Cassie

30 Day ED Challenge Day 5

What would you do to prevent someone close to you from developing and ED?

First off Is should say sorry for getting so behind on these. It's been a crazy week, guys.

Anyway, I would let them see the consequences; The damage that ED's cause physically, mentally, and socially. The hair loss, night sweats, spells of dizziness, heart palpitations, compulsive thoughts, insomnia and/or extreme fatigue, bad skin, bloating, passing out, anxiety, and self-hatred. Hopefully that will convince them to either stop trying to develop destructive habits (give themselves an ED) or convince them to get help if they're already sick. 

One of my best friends has an ED and it fucking kills me inside. I don't see her IRL too often so I'm not sure how serious it is for her. But I worry so much about her. It's only going to get worse if she doesn't get help. This ED has literally almost killed me. The thought of someone close to me dealing with this shit is horrible. 

30 Day ED Challenge Day 4

What is your motivation to recover?

I want to be pretty. I want nice skin and healthy hair. I hate looking sickly. My main motivation is the desire to look healthy. I know I should say to be healthy, but I won't lie: Appearance means a lot to me.

I don't want to be this skinny. I don't find it appealing or attractive (at least not on myself). I hate it! But I can't stop. I have to be skinny. It's all I have to be proud of. So right now my only motivation is looking healthy and attractive and pretty. 

30 Day ED Challenge Day 3

List 10 non-physical things you like about yourself

1. I’m loyal
2. I’m trust worthy; I can always keep promises
3. I have great tastes in music
4. My guitar skills are spot-on
5. I’m a good actress
6. And and even better writer
7. I’m intelligent
8. I can love people deeply and unconditionally
9. I’m a good listener/I’m always there for others
10. I’m essentially an optimist

Food Log: 5.12.13

Lunch: (720)

• 3 slices of cheese pizza w/ light sauce (720)

Snacks: (140)

• 4 shortbread cookies (140)

Exercise: (-268)

• Walking to and from work (-136)
• Working: 7 hours (-132)

Net: 592 calories

30 Day ED Challenge Day 2

What does recovery mean to you?

Recovery means self-acceptance and being happy with how you are, whether you weight 90 pounds or 390. Recovery means being able to be hungry and not make a list in your mind of the things you can and can’t eat. It means not hating yourself when you crave sweets or carbs or soda. Recovery means not stressing over calories or calculating and re-calculating your intake throughout the day. It doesn’t mean you eat everything and anything you want, it means you’re capable of making healthy decisions. 

Update

I have work at 2, so I'll just kill time by giving you guys an update because it's not like I could be doing homework or something. Despite the amount of shit I've been eating all month, my stomach actually looks okay. And the curvature of my waist is back. Side Story: About a month ago I was talking to my ex and he essentially said that I didn't have a waist. Since then I've been completely and utterly obsessed with having a defined waistline. I don't want to have the midsection of Kate Upton ):

Although this isn't as bad as it could be considering my diet and lack of exercise, I can do better. I will do better. For the rest of the month I'm just gonna watch what I eat and try to keep a net of less than 1,000. I'll start working out too. Once school's out (on the 6th) I'm going back to dieting. I might do the SGD. But you guys know I'm horrible at diets. We'll see. It's my thighs. I can't tell if it's the pants, or if I'm just fat. I'm sure it's the latter. I need to do something about my thighs!
I work 2-9 today (seriously, what the fuck?) so I'll attempt to go the entire day without eating. So far, I haven't had a thing. Hopefully we can keep it that way.

-Cassie Ana

30 Day ED Challenge Day 1

Original Posts

How long have you been with an ED? Why do you think you started?

I've suffered from some sort of eating disorder since I was about 7 or 8. It started because, as a child, I was naturally extremely skinny. It was the one thing that set me apart from everyone else; People would always comment on it and, though I was young, I knew that I was considered lucky because being fat was/is undesirable in our society. But I realized that I had some fat. That’s obviously normal, but it wasn't good enough. I remember the exact moment I realized that I could pinch fat on my stomach, and from that moment on…

Being skinny was and is something I’m proud of because it’s all I have. It’s the only thing that makes me stand out. I don’t have pretty eyes or perfect hair or a good height. I’m just skinny and I hate it.

-Cassie

I'm Cured

TW: I talk about binging and food and more food.

I've been eating normal for the past few weeks. And by normal I mean "everything I can get my hands on". You have no idea. It's just been a continuous binge on shit food (I have acquired an insatiable desire for Twix bars). The funny thing is that I haven't gained much-at least it wouldn't seem like it to the normal, non-ana person. Trust me, I've examined ever inch of my body and I can pinpoint every ounce of fat I have gained over the months, but to the general public I'm still thin as fuck.

Except one area which has become the source of my dilemma. My boobs have gotten a bit bigger. As in my bust measurement has increased by about an inch. And they just look better. I don't know, maybe my mind's playing tricks on me. The problem is that I like having boobs. But I also like having a flat stomach. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I want so desperately to start dieting again. I haven't been working out at all (mainly because of work), I haven't been counting any calories, and I really want to start again. I do not want to be fat! Summer is so close and I just want to look nice! But...at the same time I don't want to be super skinny. I don't want to lose my boobs. God, I wish you could specifically target fat, you know? Like you could choose where it comes from when you burn it.
Ugh, what am I even going on about? I'm going to bed now.
Starting now I'll drink more water and eat less shit food. And do Pilates. We'll go from there.

-Cassie