Homecoming Meal Plan

Breakfast

• Oatmeal (130) no sugar!

Mid-Morning Snack

• 2 Whole Grain Saltines (26)

Lunch

• Sandwich (215)

After-School Lunch

• < 300

Dinner

• < 100

Exercise

• Walking home or Pilates for 30 minutes

I'm sorry Ana

I'm sorry.

I'm so afraid to weigh myself. Yesterday I was at 98.6. I feel disgusting. Why can't I just get down to 95? Why is this so hard. Ana, I'm sorry! I'm sorry I haven't been listening  to you. I'm sorry I've just been shoving food down my face and not practicing good eating habits.

I get my permit on Wednesday. Homecoming is next Friday. I have to lose the weight. I need my Permit to say 95 pounds. I need to be a size 0. I need this! I'm sorry! I've learned my lesson I'll listen to you from now on.

I'm sorry. Just make me skinny.

-Cassie

97.0

I weigh 97 pounds flat.
Everyday since last Friday I've been walking to Starbucks after school, and then back home. It's hot and it's a relatively long distance. Doable, but not something I'd want to do alone.
Plus, my bus stop has been changed to some place way down the street as opposed to just outside of our complex gate. So more walking. It's lovely!
And on top of that I started my permit classes yesterday so that's about 3 1/2 hours of me not being able to mindlessly snack. It does suck because I only have so much time to do my homework and I'm obviously not managing it well because I'm blogging instead of working on it...

But oh well!

So far I eat about 200 calories in the morning (including snaking to stop my stomach from being loud during class), 200-300 at lunch and at the most 400 at dinner time. And then you add in all the calories I burn from walking after and during school. It's great. Everyday I lose more and more. Only 2 pounds until I reach my first GW!

-Cassie Ana

Current Stats as of September 24, 2012

Weight: 97.6lbs / 44.2kg

Waist: 24" / 60.9cm

Hips: 33.5" / 85cm

Thighs: 18"  / 45.7cm

So it's 7pm now and I'm going on 7 hours without eating. I can definitely get used to this. It's quite easy when  I have so much homework and of course internet connection.

But I'm about to eat now. It's some sort of pasta/lasagna/meatball thing my mom made. It's cute when she tries to cook real food. She only does it when her boyfriend comes over. But I digress.
She also bought ice cream. 3 different mini/personal cartons (which has 4 servings in each) and they ALL have nuts in them save for the vanilla one which is hers. Either she bought them solely to please that guy, or she hasn't noticed in the past 16 years that I fucking despise nuts of all types when it comes to ice cream and candy.

But good. Now I won't be tempted to eat it. Pecans, almonds, and walnuts. Gross.
Now I will eat dinner. I have no idea how many calories are in the pasta, I can definitely found out for the bread. I guess I'll round it up to 400. I always overestimate my calories. My net for today is probably around 800 at the most.

-Cassie

Current Stats as of September 20, 2012

Weight: 99.2lbs / 44.9kg

Waist: 24.4" / 62.2cm

Hips: 34" / 86.3cm

Thighs: 18"  / 45.7cm

Food Log 9.19

Breakfast:

• Oatmeal (130)

Lunch:

• Sandwich (215)

Dinner:

• Salmon (99)
• Tater tots (140)

Total: 584 calories

99.6

I finally weigh less than 100. You don't know how happy I am.
For the last few weeks, being in the triple-digits, I've just felt so out of place. So...not me. I'm not meant to be 100lbs. The 90s range is my home. It's where I feel the most comfortable.

But now I'm back. I've been super super busy with school and such, and I should probably be doing my homework instead of blogging, but whatever. I have some time to spare.

Yesterday I was so swamped with school work that I didn't eat until 7:10pm, which meant I went without food for about 7 hours. And when I did finally eat (chicken and fried rice from PeiWei), I ate sooo little and was still rather full. It was so easy. I want to do it again. I already screwed up by eating some cookie dough when I got home, but I think I burned enough of it off when I worked out about an hour ago. So now I'll try to hold off until 6 or 7.

I can do it. Ana girls are strong, yeah?

I'm just so glad to be back under 100. Now my goal is 95. I can do it. I will do it.

Current Stats as of September 19, 2012

Weight: 99.6lbs / 45.1kg

Waist: 24.4" / 62.2cm

Hips: 34" / 86.3cm

Thighs: 18"  / 45.7cm

September 15, 2012
10pm

7 hours down. 21 to go.

I'm hungry, but not extremely. Occasionally I'll have the urge to go down stairs and pop a dinner roll in the microwave, but then I pinch myself on the inside of my forearm and repeat the mantra "Ana girls are strong" over and over.

-Cassie Ana

September 15, 2012
5pm

My mother made me go to a Chinese buffet so I had to restart my fast at 3pm. I was pretty bummed out but the bright sides are A) I got to eat vegetables and fruit and fish and rice-pretty healthy stuff and B) We did some shopping and it's like 100 degrees here so I burned a lot of calories just by walking around.
But now I'm ready to start this thing! I'm already 2 hours in and yeah. I've changed it to 28 hours to I can finish at dinner time tomorrow. Just for simplicity I guess. And because I like the number 28.
I've fasted before, sorta, so I know it's gonna get VERY tough.
But I have homework to keep me too occupied to eat, friend troubles to keep me too upset to want to eat, and the worst cramps in the world to fuel my aversion to food.

2 down, 26 more hours to go.

-Cassie Ana

24-Hour Water Fast

September 15, 2012
12:05pm

Breakfast:

• 1/2 cup of plain Greek Yogurt (95)
• 1 Hawaiian roll (90)
• Half of a Fiber One bar (45)

Total: 230

My water fast begins now! Well, it started 7 minutes ago, but whatever. I think I'm gonna make myself a cup of Yogi detox tea and get started on all the stuff I have to do. Hopefully things will go well.

-Cassie Ana

Fasting Tomorrow

September 15, 2012
2:09am

I think I'm going to try a 24-hour fast tomorrow. Since I have so much homework and stuff, I'll have things to help keep me occupied and not eating. I just want to try it and see if I can do it.

Okay really I just want to try to lose something. Anything. I'm down to 100.6 and I know I can get below 100 easily, but I'm really pushing for 95 now. I need it!
I know I won't lose 5 pounds by just fasting for a day, but you get it. It's a start.

So tomorrow I will eat breakfast at 10am (assuming I'm up by then) probably Greek Yogurt and a Hawaiian roll or two. And the rest of the day will consist of water, detox tea, and more water.
Not super excited about this because I know it will be extremely hard, but still anxious to see what happens. Hopefully fainting and/or dying doesn't happen. But hopefully I'll be able to get a ton of homework done because I'll be trying to distract myself from food.
We'll see.

-Cassie

I can't do this anymore

September 12, 2012
11:30p

This "Eat 1,200 Calories a Day" thing. I weigh 102. I gained 3 pounds + 2.5" inches on my waist.
In 5 days!
I look fucking disgusting! I've lost most of the curve in my waist. I look awful! Fortunately it has only gone to my stomach, not my thighs. Yet.
A part of me wants to weight it out, another week or 2, to see if my metabolism will get back to "normal" and I'll start loosing weight. But the other part of me has been doing research all day long and has decided that 1. Starvation Mode is bullshit and 2. I should go back to eating 500-800 calories a day. I may even start the Skinny Girl Diet again. Or just use it as a guideline.

So yes. I am back to restricting. I tried eating "normal". I tried eating healthy. But I'm still healthy. I take vitamins and I eat fruits and veggies and I plan to buy even more supplements when I have extra cash. Everything will be okay. I won't have to force food down my throat and I'll be skinny again. Skinnier.
Hey, maybe after I reach my UGW I'll start to slowly increase my caloric intake be "normal" again.

Ana: 1
Cassie: 0

-Ana

I met a guy today...

September 10, 2012
11pm

He sits at my lunch table. I sort of like him. It's possible that he likes me. That'd be cool.

3 girls walked buy our table. They were big. I guess you could call them fat. They were pretty average sized (for America, I guess) and far from obese. Maybe a few pound overweight medically-speaking, but they were okay.

He called them fat.
It wasn't necessarily in a nasty, mean way. Just very...matter-of-factly.

So tomorrow I'm going to dress normal pretty and talk to him more and just assess the situation; See where things stand I guess. It'd be cool if he actually liked me and stuff. Maybe I could pretend to be a normal girl with a normal boyfriend and a normal life.

Note To Self: Don't get fat.

-Cassie

Ana girls are strong.

September 9, 2012
11:42pm

I wish I had gotten more done this weekend. I also wish I hadn't eaten as much. But oh well.
Tomorrow things will begin. I spiked my calorie intake like crazy; I forced nearly 2,000 calories into my body. Tomorrow I will keep it strictly under 1,200 and I will follow all the rules and by mid-October I'll reach my first goal weight.

It will be wicked marvelous.

-Cassie

Current Stats as of September 9, 2012

Weight: 100.6lbs / 45.6kg

Waist: 25" / 63.5cm

Hips: 35" / 88.9cm

Thighs: 18"  /45.7cm

Change

September 9, 2012

2:50am

I'm going to be making a few changes to things. I haven't been losing weight like at all. I actually gained some over the weekend. So I have to try something else. Here are the changes I will hopefully be making and sticking to:

1. I will try to eat 1,000-1,200 calories a day. I'm sure my metabolism has slowed down a great deal so I'm gonna spike my intake to get it back to normal. This will probably make me gain a bit of weight at first, but I can deal.
2. I will eat once in the morning, once at lunch, once later in the afternoon, and one at night. Nothing between then unless it's a light snack like grapes or Triscuits.
3. I will not eat after 9pm. I haven't had dinner and someone is bringing me shitty fast food. You know what I mean.
4. I will drink at least 2 cups of green tea a day to boost my metabolism more and also to avoid retaining extra water.
5. I will drink either a cup of tea or a cup of water before any meal (except breakfast and lunch on weekdays. I don't like having to pee during school).
6. I will take sips of water between every bite
7. I will put my spoon/fork/chopsticks down after every bite. ...okay, maybe not the chopsticks.
8. I will work out 3 times a week. Probably Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.
9. I will weigh-in every Sunday no matter what!
10. I will keep a rubber band on my left wrists and every time I think about food, I will snap it.
11. I will keep a food log and use my MFP (Cassieana85)

If I think of more (and I will), I will add them later.

Now I shall sleep.

-Cassie

Weekday Meal Plan

Breakfast:

• Oatmeal (130)
• Tbsp of sugar (45)

Lunch:

Sandwich:

• Bread (200)
• 1/2 tbsp of mayonnaise (45)
• Mustard (0)
• Turkey (30) 

After School Snack

• Bowl of noodles (190)

Dinner

• Whatever my mom cooks, no more than 400 calories

Total: about 1,000 calories.

What am I doing?

September 8, 2012
8:25pm

• 5 chicken strips (610)
• Small fry (34)
• 1/3 medium Sprite (97)
• 2 mini-candies (60)
• 1 slice of cheese cake (250)
• 2 dinner rolls (200)
• 3 more candies (90)
• Pasta (probably like 120)
• 2 more dinner rolls (200)
• more candy (60)

I ate 1,721 calories today.

I hate myself. 

1,700 isn't totally bad right? I mean, I should be eating like 2,000. My BMR is 1,300. And...I weighed myself and I was 101 flat. Remember not even a month ago when I was 97lbs?

I need to get back to that.

And then 90.

And 85. ...if that's even possibly, I'm not sure.

It was just one binge. Everything will be okay. I'll be back on track tomorrow. 

Breakfast

September 8, 2012
10:57am

Just 30 more minutes and I'll be free. I've been contemplating is I should eat breakfast before my grandmother gets here to take me to the store. But chances are great that she'll make me get something-some terrible, disgusting, triple-digit calorie fast food-while we're out.
So I'll just hold off. If she doesn't make me eat I'll just have some Greek yogurt when I get back. And then...

I have so much to do today. 9 Pri-Docs for US History AP. I have no idea how long they will take me. But I have the weekend. One great thing about being a Junior is the plethora of homework, projects and tests.

More assignments = More time spent working on them
More time spent working on them = Less time to eat

I thin I should start on them now.

-Cassie

I want to eat.

September 8, 2012

2:40am

I want to eat so badly.

I want to go down to the kitchen and get a Hawaiian  roll, or some cookie dough, or something. I don't know if I'll be able to control myself. I have to get up at 10, I think I'll attempt to sleep now before I go down stairs and...

Post Number One.

September 8, 2012
1:51am

Sleep.

I need it. I want it. This is why I shouldn't be allowed on the internet. I spend all my time making blogs that no one will ever read about topics that no one would want to read.
But I need this. I need a place to vent, to release my thoughts and feelings and fears. And I'm too old to write them down in a pink, locking notebook like I used to. Like I did for the last 3 years.

First posts are always the hardest. I guess I should introduce myself,
My name is Cassie. I am 16 years old and I've suffered from Anorexia Nervosa and/or basic disordered eating for the past 9 years. At times I was okay. Calories, carbs or weight never crossed my mind. At other times net caloric intake, basal metabolic rates and pounds and inches were my life. My world. My only concern.
Things have gotten worse over the summer. I am the worst, the "sickest", I've ever been. Though that's not saying much. I'm not the sickest. I'm just my sickest.

So here I am. This is my blog. This is where I will express my mind. My thoughts. I have nothing planned. I'm just gonna talk. Hopefully someone, somewhere will find my ramblings useful.