24+ Hours

I'm starting to think that either the weed I smoked yesterday was laced. But I'm pretty sure it's all in my head. I'm just freaking the fuck out. I'm never smoking again. Not weed, not a cigarette, nothing.
I think I'm going to eat. Just soup. I'm not the slightest bit hungry, but maybe it'll make me feel better.

It's day 4, time to fast. I just have 9 hours to go.
Ugh. I'm finally sober again. Shit. I had a pretty bad trip last night. And I went wayyyyy over my calorie limit. I was trying to eat to come down. It didn't even fucking work. Oh well. I think I burned a ton of calories from freaking the fuck out, walking around outside for hours at 2 am and cleaning my entire kitchen. I am not about that life guys.
But yeah. I need to shower and drink some water.
I just really hope I didn't embarrass myself too bad when I started freaking the fuck out. It was so fucking scary ! D:

-Cassie 

3.26 Lunabelle Diet Day 2 Food Log

Breakfast: 175

• Vitamins (15)
• Oatmeal (160)
• 2 packs of Stevia (0)

Lunch: 111

• Sandwich (144)
• 1 slice of bread (50)
• 2 slices of turkey (40)
• 1 slice of tomato (3)
• 1/2 tbsp mustard (0)
• Light mayo (18)
• lettuce (0) 

Dinner: 270

• Fruit (30)
• 2 fish fillets (240)

Snacks: 259

• Baby carrots & Froot Loops: (33)
• 6 Triscuits (120)
• 1/5 banana split (106)

Exercise: -334

• 20 min walking during school: (-48)
• 60 min walking home from school: (-167)
• 30 min of Pilates (-119)

Net Intake: 481/500 calories

So. Very. Hungry.
I was about to steam some broccoli.
Fucking broccoli! It's 12:30 in the morning! Ugh! I guess I'll...eat a few baby carrots and maybe a Triscuit or two. Just to settle my stomach, you know.

Food Haul! Procrastination 2.0

 TW: Pictures of Food n Stuff!

100% Whole Wheat Bread: 50 cals/slice
Mustard: 0
Lettuce: 8 cals/cup
Tomato: 22 cal
Snapple: 200 cal/bottle
Turkey Breast: 20 cal/slice

Triscuits: 20 cal/cracker
Soup: 70 cal/serving (2 servings/can)

Gala Apples: 80 cals
Cup of Fruit Awesomness: 35 cal/cup
Bananas: 105 cal
Baby Carrots: 35 cal/3 oz. (85g)

Super stoked guys! I also bought broccoli so I can have steamed veggies and rice for dinner. I LOVE BEING HEALTHY! Just imagine how much better/easier it'll be when I have my own money and my own place :D

I'm starting the diet over

Please don't hate me guys! :x
I had a rocky start and I just want to start over. It's Monday and all. I had this revelation after I went most of the day at school without eating. No snacks, just a piece of gum in 3rd period. No stomach growling either! I think the cup of Froot Loops I eat everyday in 2nd period only makes me hungrier.
But yeah. I'm re-starting teh Lunabelle Diet and this time, since I know I can fast during the school day, I won't be switching too many of the days around. I won't let myself down this time!
So yeah, 700 cals today, 500 tomorrow. No biggie.
But I will not quit!
I refuse to sink.

-Cassie Ana

I only have an hour and a half left of my fast and my mom just ordered pizza .-. Oh my god!
I've decided that I'll finish up the fast and then eat a slice or two. Except I'll take the cheese and stuff of of it. I might even chew and spit.
Ugh! I have a 300 calorie limit today.

To-Do

• Wash hair
• Dishes
• Flat iron hair
• Clean Room
• Pre-Cal

I will make it a point to drink 1 cup of water every hour starting as soon as I get out of le shower! 

Water Fastttt!

It's day #3 and I'm 4 hours into my water fast. So I fucked up pretty bad yesterday and earlier today, but I am not giving up! So I won't be eating until tomorrow afternoon. Maybe later, if I have it in me.
So the plan for the rest of tonight is to clean, wash my hair, maybe take a few selfies and work on pre-cal.

-Cassie Ana

3.21 Lunabelle Diet Food Log

Breakfast: 131

• 1/2 cup of Froot Loops (55)
• 1/2 cup 2% milk (61)
• Vitamins (15)

Lunch: 229

• 1/2 cup of Froot Loops (55)
• Sandwich (110)
• 1 slice of white bread (60)
• Turkey lunch meat (50)
• 2 chicken nuggets (53)
• 7 grapes (11)

Dinner: 350

• 1 slice of Garlic Bread (150)
• Pasta (200)

Exercise: -237

• 3 min walking up stairs (-18)
• 15 min of walking during school (-43)
• 30 min of walking home (-68)
• 10 min of cardio (-49)
• 25 min of Pilates (-47)
• 5 min of dog walking (-12)

Net Intake: 473/700

Day 1 has gone well so far. I'm only 10 calories past my limit of 700 so I'll just do some Pilates to get myself below.
But why is it that whenever I start a new diet my mom decided to make cake or buy junk food? First world problems at their finest. But whatever. I get the whole day off from school tomorrow because I have to take this test for my dual credit classes. They're going to supply us with lunches sooooooooo yeah. We'll see what happens.
I'm going to walk to school in the morning so I can stop and buy some gum.
But for right now, I'm going to workout and possibly get rid of this horrible feeling of being full and fat.

Lunabelle Diet Before Photos + Stats

lunabellediet.tumblr.com/guidelines

My Before Photos:

CW: apx. 100 lbs / 45.36 kg

GW: 90 lbs / 40.8 kg

Bust: 30" / 76.2 cm

Waist: 24.5" / 62.2 cm

Hips: 34" / 86.4 cm

Thigh: 18" / 45.7 cm

Lunabelle Diet Tomorrow!

I've decided to start the Lunabelle Diet tomorrow as opposed to today because that will schedule the first fast day on Saturday. I've actually rearranged most of the days so I can avoid fasting during school. Having you stomach growl in class is the absolute worst! Oh and I don't want to pass out from all the flights of stairs I'm forced to climb everyday.

But yeah, I'm really excited. I need to do this. Not just to lose weight and look less disgusting, I need to focus my mind and energy on something. Anything. At the end of the day, Ana will always be there for me. She's the one thing I can count on.

It's 10 pm and I've actually done most of my homework. I took like a 3-hour nap earlier. Sooo I think I'll just do some chores around the house and then go to bed. I'm also going to reactivate my MyFitnessPal. Gosh I need batteries for my scale. Hopefully I can get some on Friday.
The biggest problem (aside from my horrible self-control issues) is the fact that Adriana always buys me stuff at lunch. It's so hard to not ask for things, but it's doable. I feel bad about it anyway. I need to get more gum.

I think that's it. Goodnight, my lovelies <3 Stay strong and refuse to sink.

-Cassie

I don't know what's wrong with me. This huge wave of depression and sadness just washed over me. I really want to cry. I really want to cut. And I just want to die.
I'm so fat and useless and awkward and I just hate myself! I want to get out of here! I want this all to end. School, people, disappointment, I just want it all to go away. I hate everyone and everything and I don't want to be here anymore!
I don't know what I'm doing or who I am or what I even want. I just know that I don't want this. I can't bear to go through this day after day, torturing myself. It just hurts so bad!! I just want it all to end. Not my life, just...this.
I'm probably just going to cut again and go to sleep. It's been a day and 5 months...

Naps, New Diets & Shitty Feelings

I just woke up from a horrible nap. You know those naps where you really didn't plan to fall asleep but you did and you had some fucked up dream that you can barely remember? And all your negative emotions from the day just resurface? That's how I feel. I just feel icky and gross. I'm going back to sleep as soon as I finish this.

I found a new diet called the Lunabelle Diet. It's like the ABC/SGD but it has a little more emphasis on fasting. The calorie limit starts off sorta high around 700 and 500 but they go to around 200 and 100. We all know that I'm not very good at sticking to calorie limits, but I think i'm gonna do it. I'm getting fat and I need something to occupy my time and thoughts. Before I go insane.
I just found out that my mom and grandparents are going to California for 4 days because of my cousin's graduation. I'm obviously staying here because of school. My grandma want me to stay with a relative, but that's fucking dumb. I essentially live by myself already so whatever. Point is, if I get to stay home by myself (which I will), I can effectively fast the entire time. And I will.

Anyway, I haven't eaten too much today. I would make a formal food log but I don't know the calories of anything I ate. I just had cereal in the morning, Froot Loops throughout the day, a pizza stick and a cookie at lunch, about half a cup worth of pomegranate smoothing and like half of a chocolate chip cookie. That was around 4:30-ish. I haven't eaten since then and I don't think I'm going to. I don't want to. I'm not hungry at all. And it's 9 pm. No eating after 8 pm.
God I have to resist the temptation but it's so fucking hard! I think I'll just eat left over spaghetti.
Tomorrow I'm starting the Lunabelle Diet. Hopefully it goes well.

-Cassie

My week of freedom is over. It went by so damn quick. But it was great. It was really just one big blur. I'm obviously not too thrilled about going back to school, but at least I get to see my friends and workout and what not.
I've decided that I'm going to start taking pole dancing lessons-whenever I can convince my mom to let me. I asked her today and she said no, but I'm sure I'll be able to convince her. She's not the type that thinks it's sleazy and completely linked to stripping. She understands the athletic part of it. Which is why I really want to do it. How many fat pole dancers do you see? None. Everyone says how physically demanding it is and such. I mean, it takes so much strength and yeah, I digress.
This is sorta random but not very off topic but: I think I'm going to become a stripper when I turn 18. You know, just as a part-time job instead of getting a real one. It seems easy enough and I'll be completely forced to be thin and toned and such. I'm pretty enough, and now I have like a year and a half to get really hot!
Maybe, if my mom says no to pole dancing, I'll start taking ballet classes. Anything to burn calories. And ballet is hard as fuck too.

Umm...yeah. I'm procrastinating hardcore right now. I don't even remember what I need to do for school. But I'm in a great mood. It's warm out, it's sunny (well, it's almost 7pm but yeah), my house is clean, my clothes are washed, I just feel good. Except for this disgusting full feeling I have because I ate shit food today. But whatever. It's Sunday. I'll workout after I do some homework.

That's really all that has happened. Well, my ex started texting me and essentially just wanted to have sex with me. Despite the fact that he's a gross peasant, it was definitely an ego boost. Oh and my other ex from 7th grade started texting me as well. Again. He wants me back. He has an even lesser chance of dating me, but again it was a total ego boost.

-Cassie Ana

I need to smoke

Dear lord, everything that has happened in the past 48 hours...I can't deal. It's really nothing significant but Jesus Christ. I want need to smoke so damn bad. Hopefully Hailey can come over tomorrow and she might bring cigarettes.
I think I'm going to fast today. Eating just doesn't feel appealing, and I feel so skinny today.

It's happening again.
The feelings are back.
Maybe it's because I feel horrible and I have so much shit to do (and it's almost 9 pm)
I'm crashing.

I'm sick.

It feels like the inside of my face is on fire. My head is throbbing. My throat hurts super bad.
It's not unbearable, just very uncomfortable and inconvenient and I think I'm just going to drown myself with water and tea for the rest of the day. And sleep. So much sleep.

I took a nap, woke up to find out that my favorite band is coming here in April, and now I'm about to do some Pilates. Today is a lower body day for #MarkMakeover. I fucking love leg workouts.
I'm super dehydrated though. I'm trying to make it a point to continuously drink water. Water is good. I'm still really out of it from just waking up so sorry for my rambling. Meh.

-Cassie Ana

College

Things will be so much easier in college. I'll be on my own, with my own money buying my own food. I'll actually be able to buy healthy food. Or I'll be able to deprive myself of food all together. I won't buy cake and cookies and random shit that will tempt me to binge. I'm far too cheap to splurge on shit food, my parents are the ones who bring that crap onto the house.
I'm excited, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that being in college, being able to not eat so easily and workout mercilessly (time-permitting), I'll just exacerbate my eating disorder.
But I'd be completely lying if I said I'm more afraid than excited. I'm 90% excited. I can't wait! I still have no idea where I'm going to college (I don't even know where I'll be living come August) but it doesn't matter.
College! Dorms! Freedom! asdfghjkl; It's one of the main things that keeps me going, knowing that I'll be out of here soon. I can't wait until I can get into the real world, away from all this high school bullshit.
Just a year and a half to go...

-Cassie Ana

There is literally nothing better than working out. I just did 12 minutes of Pilates and I feel fantastic ^_^ When you're completely absorbed in nearly unbearable pain and it takes ever fiber of your being to push through and finish a set, you just can't be bothered to worry about petty problems.
I'm starting Casey Ho's monthly workout plan #MarchMakeover. (You can sign up on Blogilates.com)
My goal is to workout 6 days this week. So far I've got 1 down (: That'm my new challenge. I'll start off small and simple, gain self-control, and work my way up to the ABC diet. That diet is like...I can't even. I always try and fail miserably. But one day I will complete it.

Anyway, I really should start my homework. None of it is due until Tuesday so I'm procrastinating hardcore.

-Cassie Ana

It feels like spring. It sorta makes me sad. I really hate sunny days when I have no where to go and nothing to do. But I also hate cloudy days because they make me feel crappy and depressed. I can't win.
I think this St. John's Wort is the only thing keeping me from throwing myself from a window.

But I digress. I'm actually up before 2 pm for once and I haven't eaten in a long while. Like...since 2 I think. I'm not 100% though. I had to of eaten something...I know I had a big of apple juice. Regardless, I'll try to go as long as I can without food. Maybe all day until tomorrow morning. I have more than enough to do to keep me occupied.

Later I'll probably do some Pilates. I miss it.
I haven't been drinking nearly enough water. I'm going to make some tea.

-Cassie Ana