Sleep & Water

Two things I love. Two things I don't get enough of.
I should really finish my pre-cal homework and study for tomorrow's APUSH test, but instead I'm going to actually go to bed before 11 pm. After I drink this bottle of water. I've been pretty dehydrated lately. I really need to stop drinking juice. No more. Just water and tea for now on.

Things are getting better. Still confusing, still slow, and I'm still fat. But things are getting better.

I ate pizza for breakfast, I walked almost 2 hours home from Starbucks, and I've only eaten an apple so far.
Meh.

In Too Deep

What have I done? What type of Hell have I created for myself?
I'm finally starting to feel like my old self, who I was before all this shit happened. Before all these people entered my life and destroyed everything I had built. As the days pass, I slowly become the old Cassie. Listening to Lana Del Rey, watching Skins, doing Blogilates videos, drinking green tea day and night.
The girl I was before Homecoming. Before winter. Before cigarette smoke.
Just like always, I want so badly to go back to how things were. When it was just me-no one else.

I think I'm gaining that whether I like it or not. Because I think I'm officially in too deep. I want to get away; I wanted to get away and I tried for a while, but Ana has pulled me back in. Now the same soft ballads of video games and radios are playing, except now they have a new somber dagger which stabs deeper into my heart. They fill my mind with thoughts of sparkles and high heels and everything I have taken for granted.

This feeling is so heavy in my chest, as well as my throat and my mind and behind my eyes. I just wish I could block out everything. I just wish that I could repress everything that occurred before winter hit. But I have to bear the winter and the autumn and now the coming spring if I wish to get back to summer. I know this time won't be the same, but hopefully it won't be nearly as painful as now.

Now I'm off on a tangent. I let things go too far. That's what I'm trying to say. I let things get way out of hand and now I can't escape. Now I don't want to, because it's not about being skinny, it's about going back to the life I had before this. When it was just me. Ana has me now. Completely. But...I was the one who betrayed her. Time after time after fucking time. I let guys come between us. I let my loneliness and my insecurities convince me to betray her. I should of just trusted her. Because Ana is the only one who hasn't left me. And she never will. She's the only one that will always be there for me no matter what. Even when I push her away. Even when I don't heed her warnings. Ana never leaves. She never leaves any of us. Even if we want her to.
Ana is the epitome of loyalty.

-Cassie

I don't want to be too skinny, but I don't want to be fat

I don't aspire to be 85 lbs, but I still want prominent hip and collar bones.
I don't want stick skinny arms, but I want slimmer thighs.
I don't want to lose the tiny breast I already have, but I want a flat stomach. So bad.

Now I don't know what to do. I don't want to be "anorexic skinny". I want curves. But in specific places. And I know that if I start gaining weight I can't pick and choose where I want the fat to go. It's so fucking frustrating I don't know what to do! I've eaten "normally" for the past few days and I'm already gaining. It's my stomach. My fucking stomach. It's huge and I hate it!
Tomorrow I'm going to go back to my workout routine, specifically abs and thighs. And I'm also going to be focusing more on low-carb as opposed to low-calorie (still staying way below 1000 if I can help it). I guess this will be my little experiment. Maybe if I focus more on exercise instead of restricting I'll get the results I want.
We'll see.

-Cassie

I'm so fucking fat!
I hate this, I really do!
I don't want to be stick-skinny, but I sure as Hell don't want to be fat. And that's unfortunately where I'm going.
I can't wait to go back to working out tomorrow. Not only did it obviously make me look better, it made me tons happier as well.

I was actually considering "recovering". But...I don't know, I talk about it in a bit when I finish my homework.

So.
Much.
Homework.

You guys have nooo idea what I've been through in the last week or so. Oh my gosh!
Long story short: That guy whose been stalking me is gone and everything is back to normal.
I'm actually happy now. I mean, I'm happy with myself. I applied for a job today, and there are a few more places I'm applying to this week. School is okay. I just feel like I'm ready to start working towards my goals again.

I've made some changes though. Some revelations, I guess. I don't want to be super skinny anymore. I'm not sure if I ever really wanted to, to be honest. Now I just want to be attractive. I want nice thighs, a nice butt, a tiny waist. So...sorta the same thing I was going for before I guess.
I don't know.
I just know that I won't be restricting nearly as much. I'm still gonna try to keep it below 1,000. Never ever more than that. And I'll definitely be working out everyday. I want to be hot before I leave for California, you know?

It's like 1 am so I guess I should go to bed now.

Update

I've realized that trying to stick to calorie limits does nothing but cause me to binge. I think I'm just gonna focus on creating good, stable habits first.
Meh. I'm such a failure at diets.

But mainly, I want to work on becoming a good, not-shitty person. By next year, whether I'm in Long Beach or here, I want to be different. I want to be the person I've always wanted to be. Not something fake, not something I'm not, just a good person. And thin. But mainly a good person.

-Cassie

Plan For Tonight

Walk the dog

Have a smoke

Shower

Write an essay

Study for Pre-Cal

Sleep

I can't sleep. I've been up for a while looking at info about night sweats. Some sources say they occur because you body is lacking potassium/the hormones are getting fucked up (getting worse). Other sources say it's because your metabolism is getting started again because you're recovering/eating more (getting better).
Now I don't know what to think. I don't want to be getting better. I want to get worse.
Sicker.
Until this becomes easier.

-Cassie Ana

Food Log 2.10.12

Breakfast: 0/0

Lunch: 2/0

• 1 cup of green tea (0/0)
• 1/2 piece of gum (2/0)

Dinner: 432/80

• 1/2 cup of green tea (0/0)
• 2 peppermint candies (40/30)
• 2 fish fillets (230/20)
• 1 banana (105/27)
• 1 Milano cookie (57/3)

Exercise: -272

• 7 min workout (-44)
• 10 min walking to and from my stalker's house (-24)
• 7 min workout (-44)
• 25 min workout (-160)
• 10 min of dog walking (-20)

TOTAL: 162 calories & 80g of carbs

Goals & Rewards

95 lbs - 10,000 mcg Biotin pills 

90 lbs - New nail polish

85 lbs - PINK backpack

80 lbs - Band merch 

Someone please come wire my jaw shut

Why do I do these things? Why do I fuck up all my progress? Why do I eat?
Fuck!

I've developed a new rule for myself: I can eat all I want just as long as I work off twice an many calories beforehand. Even though I'll be on the ABC, I'm still going to be shooting for negative calories.
God, you don't know how wonderful it feels to be empty, pure. You can't even fathom the joy it brings me to lay on the cold living room floor as my vision slowly fades. And the pleasure from the uncontrollable stomach contractions from vomiting out all the toxins. An especially the tightness of your abdomen after 25 hours of eating absolutely nothing.
And the weakness.
The fear of exercising, walking up stairs, or even getting up to plug in your laptop charger because you may become faint.
I love it. It makes me sad that I'll have to wait a whole week to attempt a real fast again, but tomorrow I won't eat a thing. I have an idea:

Whenever I get the urge to eat something, I'll work off twice the amount of calories I would of ingested from it (like I mentioned above). And hopefully I'll kill off so much time I won't even be able to eat.
I don't really know what I'm going on about now.

My goal is to workout 5 times tomorrow. I need to punish myself for what I did tonight.

-Cassie

DIY Hair Mask ^_^

All you'll need is:

• 1 ripe avocado
• 1/2 ripe banana
• 1 egg yolk
• 2 tbsp olive oil
• 1 tbsp tea tree oil

Then just mix everything together. It works better if you have a blender. You want everything to be smooth and creamy so it goes on well. 

Apply it to your hair and let it sit for at least 30-60 minutes, or you can leave it in all night.

Tips: 

1. Before you apply it, rinse your hair with warm/hot water to open up the cuticles to allow the product to penetrate deeper.
2. Warm the mask up in the microwave, this will also help.
3. You can use more or less of any ingredient, depending on your hair type and hair length.

"Starvation is fulfilling. Colors become brighter, sounds sharper, odors so much more savory and penetrating that inhalation fills every fiber and pore of the body. The greatest enjoyment of food is actually found when never a morsel passes the lips"

I feel as though I'm high. Like I just smoked a thousand Black 100's. And I'm incapable of feeling emotion. Or even thinking, really. This is wonderful. This is beautiful.

I'm not the slightest bit hungry either. I'm craving hardcore (my grandma just bought us groceries), but I could go all night without ingesting a single calorie-self-control permitting.
I feel so fragile. I'm afraid to move too quickly or make any sudden movements out of fear of passing out. Fortunately the nausea is gone.

It's been 26 hours since I had a real meal.
23 since I had a sip of monster.
And about 4 since I had 1/2 a cup of pudding of which I'm really regretting.
I think I'm going to eat one more peppermint candy to calm my stomach and then hopefully I can do something productive with my day.

-Cassie Ana

I woke up a few minutes ago feeling awful. I felt like I started my period: nausea, slight cramps, just an all-around shitty feeling. I knew I would end up passing out or something so I took some vitamins.
I was actually going to crave and eat something, but I ended up on the living room floor vomiting what I guess were the gummy vitamins. It was awful, but now I'm okay. I had to cave a bit and I ate about 50 calories worth of pudding. But I took more vitamins and now I'm relatively okay. Just paranoid.

-Cassie Ana

Food Log 2.8.13

Breakfast: 175/33

• Vitamins (15/0)
• Oatmeal (160/33)
• 2 packets of Stevia (0/0)

Lunch: 187/13

• Sandwich 
• 1 slice of whole wheat bread (70/13)
• 1 slice of turkey (17/0)
• Mustard (0/0)
• 5 pieces of popcorn chicken (100/?)

Dinner:

• 1 cup of Green Tea (0/0)

Exercise: -152

• 20 min walking to school  (-48)
• 20 min walking during school (-48)
• 10 min of walking (-24)
• 5 min workout (-32)

TOTAL: 210 calories & 46g of carbs

Bleh.

So I don't know how. but I feel asleep for a bit, woke up, and now I feel shitty.
Shitty because, well I just woke up, and double shitty because I had a dream about my ex and now I'm just in an annoyed mood.
Plus it's cold.
Plus my water is probably frozen because I forgot to take it out of the freezer.
Plus Blake asked that guy that I sorta like "what he thinks of me" and he's being a butt and won't tell me what he said. He said he doesn't want to interfere.
I'm sure he just said that he doesn't really know who the fuck I am and Blake's just fucking with me. Oh well.  I have far more important things to worry about.

I'm not hungry, thank God. I've realized that my "hunger" really only comes with boredom. Bleh. I feel so shitty. I'm too cold to live.

-Cassie

Starting My Fast Early

Life is so upsetting sometimes, but it's the hate, disappointment, and anger that drive me to not eat. I've probably mentioned this before, but starving/restricting has become my form of self-harm as well as an eating disorder.

But I digress. It's 7pm, I just made a cup of tea and I found a bunch of weight loss/ED documentaries to get me through tonight. I'm super tired so it won't be too hard to fall asleep at a reasonable time tonight, thus reducing the risk of me eating.

So I'm officially fasting. Nothing but water and tea at least until Sunday, unless my mother decides to actually feed me - which I highly doubt. 

Wish me luck guys.

I'm actually looking forward to possibly passing out.

-Cassie Ana

Things Have Changed

I don't want to die anymore. Maybe the St. John's Wort is working. Before I felt as though the possibility of dying was a nice plus to following Ana, but now I want to stay alive. I think I'm just so excited about moving to Long Beach, going to college, just seeing what life has in store for me. That's a good thing! I think. Now I'm actually worried about dying. I'm scared. I know I won't (I'm not nearly sick enough), but I'm still a bit paranoid, you know?

Ugh. I just can't wait until I leave this place. Seeing him with his new girlfriend was rather painful. It wasn't too bad (fortunately I almost completely over the fucker). In reality I'm just pissed that he doesn't want me. It's just an ego thing. That makes me happy.
What am I going on about?

Blake apparently asked the guy I want to fuck I'm crazy about what he thinks of me and whatnot, and now he's not replying to tell me what he said. Life is suffering! But I miss having a crush on a guy. I've missed this feeling of anxiety and wondering and asdfghjkl; It makes me feel normal, like my old self.
I really want some tea but I'm too lazy to get up to make some .-.

-Cassie

Food Log 2.7.13

Breakfast: 215/30

• Vitamins (15)
• Cereal & milk (200/30g)

Lunch: 329/39

• Sandwich
• 2 sliced of wheat bread (140/26)
• 2 sliced of turkey (34/0)
• 1 tbsp of mayo (100/0)
• Mustard (0)
• 1/2 cup of Froot Loops (55/13)

Dinner: 450/61

• Lasagna (340/37)
• Chocolate pudding (110/24)

Exercise: -339

• 20 min walking to school (-48)
• 20 min walking during school (-48)
• 10 min walking home (-24)
• 30 min cleaning (-72)
• 20 min workout (-127)
• 10 min of dog walking (-20)

TOTAL: 655/69

You guys should talk to me sometimes, I don't bite!

Seriously. I know I'm no expert, but if you guys ever have questions or need advice or just want to vent you can always talk to me. My email is cassieana85@gmail.com

Before Pictures

So this is me, Cassie. 5'3, a whopping 100-and-something pounds. I'm really proud of my thigh gap though. It's fucking huge! It's gotten so much wider since last summer. 

But yeah, since I have an actual webcam now I can post more pictures, and my grandma is buying me more batteries for my scale so I can have an exact weigh in for you guys tomorrow (:

Food Log 2.6.13

Breakfast: (175/33)

• Oatmeal (160 cal/ 33 carbs)
• Stevia (0)
• Vitamins (15)

Lunch:  (192/26)

• Sandwich: (137)
• 1 slice of Wheat bread (70/13)
• 1 slice of Turkey (17/0)
• 1/2 tbsp of mayo (50/0)
• 1/2 cup of Froot Loops (55/13)

Dinner: (500/70)

• Some sort of frozen pasta stuff (360/35)
• 10 oz of apple juice (140/35)

Exercise: (-148)

• 20 minutes of walking in the morning (-48)
• 20 minutes of walking during school (-48)
• 5 minute workout (-32)
• 10 minutes of dog walking (-20)

TOTAL: (746/129)

Update 2.6.13

So I'm moving to Southern California in the summer.
How the fuck this happened, I have no idea. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't completely stoked about it. I always get high expectations and hopes when I move, be it a new state,  a new school or just a new class at the end of the semester. I think I've just watched too much Skins and 90210. I have this vision that when I move there I'll be the new girl who makes tons of friends, goes to the beach, etc. But I digress.
The only things I'm worried about are graduation requirements, leaving my grandparents and leaving my band.

I really don't want to leave my grandparents. They are everything to me. My grandmother has practically raised me and we wouldn't have shit if it wasn't for them. They've help us so much. But my grandmother always says that if my mom and I ever decide to move back to California they will too, but further South. So hopefully things will work themselves out. I need my grandparents, guys.

If I do move, I'll have to take another year of P.E.. I was really stressed about it first, but then I realized that it could be beneficial. I won't have to exercise as much at home if I can do it at school. So that's not too big of a deal.

And then there's my band. We're finally making progress and I really don't want to risk giving up my dream, you know? I mean, where I'm moving (Ventura, Anaheim, LA, etc) has an amazing music scene. The chances of me joining/starting a successful band there is probably way higher than here. No, it definitely is. And not even being in a band, just anything with music. I'll probably have wayyy more opportunities there. But still, I'm just afraid that what I have now is my only chance. I'm just paranoid, you know?

So yeah. Once I get over all of that I really really really want to move. I've already severed most of the ties I have with this place. It's like my soul has already moved. I don't belong here; Never have, never will. Since December I've been wanting to leave. I wanted to move in with my dad. I just don't want to be here anymore. This town is dead, believe it or not. And I'm just sick of all these people. Everyone that has ever hurt me or screwed me over is here. I want nothing more than to just leave them all behind and start over. I want to take all I have learned, all I have gained in the last 6 years and start over somewhere new. I don't regret moving down here, I'm just ready to leave. I've received all I could take from this place, it seems.

Sorry if I'm rambling. This is where Ana ties in:
I have about 8 months until I move. I really want to reach my UGW by then. My life is pretty stable now: My grades are good, school is chill, my emotions are under control, I've given up on solved all the problems I've had with specific people. Things aren't perfect, but they're alright. As in, I'm stable enough to go back to Ana. Before just the thought of counting calories made me asdfghjkl; but now I'm okay. I'm capable of focusing on reaching my GW's, and that's what I shall do! I have 8 fucking months! I think I'm capable of losing at least 10 lbs by then. And I obviously have to get super hot before I move, right? I mean it's on the beach guys! Bikinis and hot guys and such! And I'll be a Senior...I have to be attractive. And I will be.

God, I just want this so bad. I want to move. I want to start over. I'm already who and what I want to be, I just want to be where I belong. I can do this. Things will be great! I feel as though everything that has happened in the last 2 or so months has lead up to this.

And even if I don't more, things will be cool. I'll be a Senior with only 3 classes to take. I'll have friends and hopefully a license and regardless of what happens things will be great. Wow.

tl;dr: I'm looking forward to moving to Southern California because I want to start over, I'm going to reach my GW before I move, regardless of what happens my life is pretty great.

-Cassie Ana

I think I'll pull a Fall Out Boy and come off of hiatus now

I think it's time for me to start posting again. Gosh guys so much stuff has happened.
Well, not really. The basics:

• All my grades are decent
• Junior year is coming to an end
• I'm moving back to California in the summer
• I tried at-home recovery and...no thanks

So I'm back with Ana. I'm back to counting calories and working out and I just really want to reach my UGW. I'm going to take a shower and whatever and then I'll be back to go into more detail.

-Cassie