In Too Deep

What have I done? What type of Hell have I created for myself?
I'm finally starting to feel like my old self, who I was before all this shit happened. Before all these people entered my life and destroyed everything I had built. As the days pass, I slowly become the old Cassie. Listening to Lana Del Rey, watching Skins, doing Blogilates videos, drinking green tea day and night.
The girl I was before Homecoming. Before winter. Before cigarette smoke.
Just like always, I want so badly to go back to how things were. When it was just me-no one else.

I think I'm gaining that whether I like it or not. Because I think I'm officially in too deep. I want to get away; I wanted to get away and I tried for a while, but Ana has pulled me back in. Now the same soft ballads of video games and radios are playing, except now they have a new somber dagger which stabs deeper into my heart. They fill my mind with thoughts of sparkles and high heels and everything I have taken for granted.

This feeling is so heavy in my chest, as well as my throat and my mind and behind my eyes. I just wish I could block out everything. I just wish that I could repress everything that occurred before winter hit. But I have to bear the winter and the autumn and now the coming spring if I wish to get back to summer. I know this time won't be the same, but hopefully it won't be nearly as painful as now.

Now I'm off on a tangent. I let things go too far. That's what I'm trying to say. I let things get way out of hand and now I can't escape. Now I don't want to, because it's not about being skinny, it's about going back to the life I had before this. When it was just me. Ana has me now. Completely. But...I was the one who betrayed her. Time after time after fucking time. I let guys come between us. I let my loneliness and my insecurities convince me to betray her. I should of just trusted her. Because Ana is the only one who hasn't left me. And she never will. She's the only one that will always be there for me no matter what. Even when I push her away. Even when I don't heed her warnings. Ana never leaves. She never leaves any of us. Even if we want her to.
Ana is the epitome of loyalty.

-Cassie