25 hours

I haven't eaten in 25 hours. Wow. I don't feel too hungry, nor have I passed out yet. I'm going to walk to the gas station to get some sparkling water. Hopefully they have some flavored kind. We shall see.

-Cassie Ana

I'm Fat Again

These past 2 days have been horrible. I've gained a lot because I've at a lot. Now I know that I should keep it around 200, no more than 400. And that's what I'll do for the remainder of the break.

I need this. I need Ana. She makes the sadness and the depression and the loneliness go away. When I'm focused on eating nothing and exercising and burning calories I don't have time to worry about my stupid relationship problems. Which are essentially nonexistent mind you. I must go back to that. And I will. Things were better when he was gone. Things will be better once I'm back on track. At least now I know what I must do.

So now I'm gonna work out, walk my dog, drink some hot chocolate and watch some 2012 Doomsday videos and call it a night. Then it's back to Ana in the morning. I will be 80 pounds.

-Cassie

Whenever You Feel Like Eating...

Remember how fucking horrible it will make you feel. The bloated feeling, the protrusion of your stomach, the uncomfortable feeling of knowing that you're full of food- fat, calories, shit.
Remember how it makes you feel. You're now a fucking failure. You were doing so well, you got so far, but you had to go fuck it up. All your hard work: Down the fucking drain.

You're disgusting. You're greedy and fat and selfish. You're disgraceful. How could you do this to yourself. How could you stuff you face full of food when you were so damn close to your GW. You will never be 95 pounds, let alone 80. You're a fucking failure. You can't even purge.

Enjoy this. Enjoy what you've done to yourself, what you're putting yourself through. And you better enjoy the gruesome hours of working out you'll have to do to make up for this.

-Ana

I can't workout until my mom finishes in the kitchen because my room is upstairs and the floor creaks wayyyy too much.
Wow.
I guess it'll be better because I will only allow myself to eat when I finish exercising.

I hate falling asleep during the day. Now I feel all gross and bleh. But whatever. It's not like there was anything I needed to get done today. I think I'll go workout before my mom starts making dinner, which will most likely be hamburgers. I'm so afraid of being over 97 again. If I am, I think I'll just cry.
Probably the only downside to losing weight is that you don't burn as many calories as you would at a higher weight.

-Cassie Ana

97.6 Pounds

The last time I remember weighing this little was on my birthday after I walked like 3 miles and back to get smoothies. I'm so close to my first GW. I told you I could do it. I only worried about the next two days. The calorie limits are 600 and 800 respectively, and I'm afraid that I'll end up eating up to that or just below it and I'll gain. Meh. I'm, definitely going to work my ass off when it comes to exercising. I'll be taking the long way home (maybe I'll even find a longer way) and I'll repeat my workouts 3 times.
It's so close!!! I've never been below 97.6. I just want this so bad. I'm so proud of myself for not only turning down tempting fast food, but also not eating everything my mom brought home. I just had a dinner roll, apples & grapes, and a shit ton of water. I'm at a net of 287 for crying out loud! :D
I can do this.
I have a countdown on my calender. 21 days. Because they say that an action becomes a habit after 21 days. It's only been 2 days, but I'm really determined. Gosh, I can't wait until I can go to the gym. That won't be until after Christmas, New Years at the latest.
Anyway, I'm going to go to sleep before I eat anything else because I'm really tired. Goodnight guys (:

-Cassie Ana

12/18/12 Food Log

Breakfast: 145

• Vitamins (15)
• Oatmeal (130)
• 1 pack of Stevia (0)

Lunch: 293

• Turkey Sandwich (185)
• 1 slice of whole grain bread (70)
• Turkey (25)
• 1 tbsp mayo (90)
• 8 Flat bread Chips (70)
• Candy (38)

Dinner: 130

• 1 Hawaiian roll (90)
• Apple slices and grapes (40)

Exercise: -291

• Walking during school: 60 min (-117)
• Walking home from school: 20 min (-39)
• 20 min workout (-125)
• Dog walking: 8 mins (-10)

Net: 277/400

Turning down food is hard

My mom just called and asked if I was hungry and I was able to lie and say that I already ate. The split second it took me to think of an answer seemed like an eternity. I'm so proud of myself though (:

I ate a bit of the left-over bread sticks. Like, maybe 1/4 of each + some Marinara sauce. But I ended up giving the bread sticks to my dog. I felt a binge coming on. That was close. I can't eat. I'm so afraid of getting on that scale and seeing something over 98.4. I feel so fat, like there's no weight I lost weight.

-Cassie Ana

2-4-6-8 Diet Day 2

I already went over my 400 calorie limit by 5th period, by net is now 200-something. I walked the shorter way home today so I didn't burn as many calories ): But I think I made up for it by walking up and then down 8 flights of stairs to get to my new English classroom. Gosh I love these room tours. The new building is 4 stories. So since I won't have to walk across campus anymore, I think I'll be able to make up for it because of all the stairs. My first 3 classes are all on different floors, and I know that from English to BIM I have to go down the 8 flights of stairs from the 4th floor and all the way to the high rise. The new building is lovely though. I can't wait until next semester (:

Last night I was seriously close to binging on the left-over pizza and Alfredo in the fridge. I didn't! And it's gone now! As much as it annoys me, I'm so grateful that my mom's boyfriend feels the need to eat everything in sight. Now there's no temptation. Except for the bread sticks that are left in there. But I don't even like them. They're not that good, but I still want to stuff them in my face.
But I won't. I need to drink some more water.

-Cassie Ana

12/17/12 Food Log

Breakfast: 15

• Vitamins (15)
• Nothing (0)

Lunch: 218

• Turkey Sandwich (165)
• 1 slice of whole wheat bread (50)
• Turkey (25)
• 1 tbsp mayo (90)
• 6 Flatbread Chips (53)

Dinner: 134

• Pizza (90)
• Breadstick (44)

Liquids: (0)

• 5 cups of water (0)
• 1 cup of green tea (0)

Exercise -246

• Walking during school: 60 min (-122)
• Walking home from school: 20 min (-41)
• 10 min workout (-65)
• Dog walking 8 min (-18)

Net: 121/200

2-4-6-8 Diet Day 1

Today has been great! I'm up to a net of 139 out of 200 and I think I'm gonna stop here. I've drunk so much water. I just did a rather intense workout and I feel so great! We have a few slices of pizza left in the kitchen and as tempting as it is, I can't afford it. No. I will resist! I have a bunch of homework to do anyway. I'm gonna walk my dog and then hit the shower.

Sweat > Food

-Cassie Ana

2-4-6-8 Diet Tomorrow!

I'm so excited about starting my new diet tomorrow! I'll be able to work out again. Maybe it'll lift my spirits (:

I am soooo determined to reach my UGW. Maybe even lower. But I just want to get below 97. I will do this!

My parents just left. I think I should workout. I haven't workout since before Thanksgiving asdfghjkl;

-Cassie Ana

200 Calorie Meal Plan

Breakfast: 0

• Nothing (0)

Lunch: 255

• Turkey Sanwhich (185)
• 1 slice of whole grain bread (70)
• Turkey (25)
• 1 tbsp mayo (90)
• Flatbread Chips (70)

Dinner: 265

• Dinner < 165

Exercise -290

• Walking during school: 45 min (-130)
• Walking home from school: 10 min (-30)
• Workout 20 min: (-130)

Current Stats as of December 16, 2012

Weight: 102.6 lbs / 46.5 kg / 7st 3lbs

Waist: 24" / 60.9cm

Hips: 34" / 86.3cm

Thighs: 18.5"  / 46.9cm

Ana's Christmas List

Gym Membership

Full-Length Mirror

Running Shoes

Workout Shirts and Shorts

Sports Bras

Yoga Pants

Yoga Mat

Ana Songs

The Sea Is A Good Place To Think Of The Sea - Los Campesinos!
Steve McQueen - M83
Anything by Lana Del Rey
Skinny Love - Birdy
Paper Bag - Fiona Apple
Courage - Superchick
Sail - AWOLNATION
Jenny, You're Barely Alive - Rilo Kiley

Carl's Jr. is my weakness!

UGH.
My mom just asked me if I was hungry and if I wanted anything from CJ. Of course I said yes. Fuck.
I can't keep using the "I haven't been there since I moved from California" excuse anymore. I really really really need to work on my self-control.

-Cassie

New Rules

I need to start off slow. I've been jumping into things too fast, only to watch myself fail miserably and become discouraged. So here are new rules that I will try my hardest to follow everyday.

Eating

1. Drink at least one cup of water before and after eating (when possible)
2. Cut food into teeny tiny pieces whenever possible
3. Chew each piece at least 30 times
4. Take a sip of water (and only water) between each bite
5. Never ever eat after 10pm. No matter what. 

Exercise

1. Workout at least 5 times a week
2. Walk home at least 2 times a week

Other

1. Weigh-in every Sunday morning
2. Count every calorie eaten and burned as accurate and as much as possible
3. Every time I think about eating I will pop the rubber band on my wrist
4. I will constantly associate food with the taste of cold medicine 
5. I will constantly tell myself that I hate fod and such
6. Stop while you're ahead

Current Stats as of December 14, 2012

Weight: 101.4 lbs / 45.9 kg

Waist: 23.5" / 59.6cm

Hips: 34" / 86.3cm

Thighs: 18.5"  / 46.9cm

Just Fucking Great

I ate so much today. So fucking much. And just as I began to become motivated to workout he texts me just to accuse me of some bullshit. Not only do I have a sick, bloated feeling because of that fucking cupcake I ate, I now have a nauseous feeling in my stomach and a knot in my throat. Maybe I'll just try to purge now. Out of anger and self-hatred and frustration.

Fuck it.

That's what I keep trying to tell myself. He just pisses me off so damn much. But I'll try to use my hate to drive me. To feed Ana. I'll listen to angry songs as opposed to sad ones this time.
I'm so fucking pissed. At him and at myself.

But fuck it.

Ana keeps telling me to smile. I would be lost without her.

-Cassie

101.8

Not as bad as I thought it'd be considering I haven't worked out at all since before Thanksgiving Break. But I'm back to counting calories and I'll be starting my workouts again on Monday. Maybe even the ABC Diet again.

I am such a failure, I know. But I just got off the phone with my boyfriend and I think I have things straight with him. I sorta kinda explained to him my ED and everything and...I just don't have to worry about our relationship now. Meaning I can focus on ana and reaching my UGW. But my first goal: 95lbs.
I can do it.

I've learned that, through it all, Ana is the only one that will always be there for me. No matter what. I need this. I need the control she gives me. I need the incentive she gives me to wake up in the morning. I need the goals and the ambition.
Mostly I just need the goals.

And I need sleep. Goodnight, lovelies. It's great to be back.

-Cassie Ana

Still Alive :D

In the end I'll always come back to Ana. She's the only one that will never leave me.
I'm back. I'll start a new work out on Monday and I'm happy to say that I haven't eaten since 12-ish. This is going to work! I will reach my UGW!

I'll post stats later (:

-Cassie