25 hours

I haven't eaten in 25 hours. Wow. I don't feel too hungry, nor have I passed out yet. I'm going to walk to the gas station to get some sparkling water. Hopefully they have some flavored kind. We shall see.

-Cassie Ana

I'm Fat Again

These past 2 days have been horrible. I've gained a lot because I've at a lot. Now I know that I should keep it around 200, no more than 400. And that's what I'll do for the remainder of the break.

I need this. I need Ana. She makes the sadness and the depression and the loneliness go away. When I'm focused on eating nothing and exercising and burning calories I don't have time to worry about my stupid relationship problems. Which are essentially nonexistent mind you. I must go back to that. And I will. Things were better when he was gone. Things will be better once I'm back on track. At least now I know what I must do.

So now I'm gonna work out, walk my dog, drink some hot chocolate and watch some 2012 Doomsday videos and call it a night. Then it's back to Ana in the morning. I will be 80 pounds.

-Cassie

Whenever You Feel Like Eating...

Remember how fucking horrible it will make you feel. The bloated feeling, the protrusion of your stomach, the uncomfortable feeling of knowing that you're full of food- fat, calories, shit.
Remember how it makes you feel. You're now a fucking failure. You were doing so well, you got so far, but you had to go fuck it up. All your hard work: Down the fucking drain.

You're disgusting. You're greedy and fat and selfish. You're disgraceful. How could you do this to yourself. How could you stuff you face full of food when you were so damn close to your GW. You will never be 95 pounds, let alone 80. You're a fucking failure. You can't even purge.

Enjoy this. Enjoy what you've done to yourself, what you're putting yourself through. And you better enjoy the gruesome hours of working out you'll have to do to make up for this.

-Ana

I can't workout until my mom finishes in the kitchen because my room is upstairs and the floor creaks wayyyy too much.
Wow.
I guess it'll be better because I will only allow myself to eat when I finish exercising.

I hate falling asleep during the day. Now I feel all gross and bleh. But whatever. It's not like there was anything I needed to get done today. I think I'll go workout before my mom starts making dinner, which will most likely be hamburgers. I'm so afraid of being over 97 again. If I am, I think I'll just cry.
Probably the only downside to losing weight is that you don't burn as many calories as you would at a higher weight.

-Cassie Ana

97.6 Pounds

The last time I remember weighing this little was on my birthday after I walked like 3 miles and back to get smoothies. I'm so close to my first GW. I told you I could do it. I only worried about the next two days. The calorie limits are 600 and 800 respectively, and I'm afraid that I'll end up eating up to that or just below it and I'll gain. Meh. I'm, definitely going to work my ass off when it comes to exercising. I'll be taking the long way home (maybe I'll even find a longer way) and I'll repeat my workouts 3 times.
It's so close!!! I've never been below 97.6. I just want this so bad. I'm so proud of myself for not only turning down tempting fast food, but also not eating everything my mom brought home. I just had a dinner roll, apples & grapes, and a shit ton of water. I'm at a net of 287 for crying out loud! :D
I can do this.
I have a countdown on my calender. 21 days. Because they say that an action becomes a habit after 21 days. It's only been 2 days, but I'm really determined. Gosh, I can't wait until I can go to the gym. That won't be until after Christmas, New Years at the latest.
Anyway, I'm going to go to sleep before I eat anything else because I'm really tired. Goodnight guys (:

-Cassie Ana

12/18/12 Food Log

Breakfast: 145

• Vitamins (15)
• Oatmeal (130)
• 1 pack of Stevia (0)

Lunch: 293

• Turkey Sandwich (185)
• 1 slice of whole grain bread (70)
• Turkey (25)
• 1 tbsp mayo (90)
• 8 Flat bread Chips (70)
• Candy (38)

Dinner: 130

• 1 Hawaiian roll (90)
• Apple slices and grapes (40)

Exercise: -291

• Walking during school: 60 min (-117)
• Walking home from school: 20 min (-39)
• 20 min workout (-125)
• Dog walking: 8 mins (-10)

Net: 277/400

Turning down food is hard

My mom just called and asked if I was hungry and I was able to lie and say that I already ate. The split second it took me to think of an answer seemed like an eternity. I'm so proud of myself though (:

I ate a bit of the left-over bread sticks. Like, maybe 1/4 of each + some Marinara sauce. But I ended up giving the bread sticks to my dog. I felt a binge coming on. That was close. I can't eat. I'm so afraid of getting on that scale and seeing something over 98.4. I feel so fat, like there's no weight I lost weight.

-Cassie Ana

2-4-6-8 Diet Day 2

I already went over my 400 calorie limit by 5th period, by net is now 200-something. I walked the shorter way home today so I didn't burn as many calories ): But I think I made up for it by walking up and then down 8 flights of stairs to get to my new English classroom. Gosh I love these room tours. The new building is 4 stories. So since I won't have to walk across campus anymore, I think I'll be able to make up for it because of all the stairs. My first 3 classes are all on different floors, and I know that from English to BIM I have to go down the 8 flights of stairs from the 4th floor and all the way to the high rise. The new building is lovely though. I can't wait until next semester (:

Last night I was seriously close to binging on the left-over pizza and Alfredo in the fridge. I didn't! And it's gone now! As much as it annoys me, I'm so grateful that my mom's boyfriend feels the need to eat everything in sight. Now there's no temptation. Except for the bread sticks that are left in there. But I don't even like them. They're not that good, but I still want to stuff them in my face.
But I won't. I need to drink some more water.

-Cassie Ana

12/17/12 Food Log

Breakfast: 15

• Vitamins (15)
• Nothing (0)

Lunch: 218

• Turkey Sandwich (165)
• 1 slice of whole wheat bread (50)
• Turkey (25)
• 1 tbsp mayo (90)
• 6 Flatbread Chips (53)

Dinner: 134

• Pizza (90)
• Breadstick (44)

Liquids: (0)

• 5 cups of water (0)
• 1 cup of green tea (0)

Exercise -246

• Walking during school: 60 min (-122)
• Walking home from school: 20 min (-41)
• 10 min workout (-65)
• Dog walking 8 min (-18)

Net: 121/200

2-4-6-8 Diet Day 1

Today has been great! I'm up to a net of 139 out of 200 and I think I'm gonna stop here. I've drunk so much water. I just did a rather intense workout and I feel so great! We have a few slices of pizza left in the kitchen and as tempting as it is, I can't afford it. No. I will resist! I have a bunch of homework to do anyway. I'm gonna walk my dog and then hit the shower.

Sweat > Food

-Cassie Ana

2-4-6-8 Diet Tomorrow!

I'm so excited about starting my new diet tomorrow! I'll be able to work out again. Maybe it'll lift my spirits (:

I am soooo determined to reach my UGW. Maybe even lower. But I just want to get below 97. I will do this!

My parents just left. I think I should workout. I haven't workout since before Thanksgiving asdfghjkl;

-Cassie Ana

200 Calorie Meal Plan

Breakfast: 0

• Nothing (0)

Lunch: 255

• Turkey Sanwhich (185)
• 1 slice of whole grain bread (70)
• Turkey (25)
• 1 tbsp mayo (90)
• Flatbread Chips (70)

Dinner: 265

• Dinner < 165

Exercise -290

• Walking during school: 45 min (-130)
• Walking home from school: 10 min (-30)
• Workout 20 min: (-130)

Current Stats as of December 16, 2012

Weight: 102.6 lbs / 46.5 kg / 7st 3lbs

Waist: 24" / 60.9cm

Hips: 34" / 86.3cm

Thighs: 18.5"  / 46.9cm

Ana's Christmas List

Gym Membership

Full-Length Mirror

Running Shoes

Workout Shirts and Shorts

Sports Bras

Yoga Pants

Yoga Mat

Ana Songs

The Sea Is A Good Place To Think Of The Sea - Los Campesinos!
Steve McQueen - M83
Anything by Lana Del Rey
Skinny Love - Birdy
Paper Bag - Fiona Apple
Courage - Superchick
Sail - AWOLNATION
Jenny, You're Barely Alive - Rilo Kiley

Carl's Jr. is my weakness!

UGH.
My mom just asked me if I was hungry and if I wanted anything from CJ. Of course I said yes. Fuck.
I can't keep using the "I haven't been there since I moved from California" excuse anymore. I really really really need to work on my self-control.

-Cassie

New Rules

I need to start off slow. I've been jumping into things too fast, only to watch myself fail miserably and become discouraged. So here are new rules that I will try my hardest to follow everyday.

Eating

1. Drink at least one cup of water before and after eating (when possible)
2. Cut food into teeny tiny pieces whenever possible
3. Chew each piece at least 30 times
4. Take a sip of water (and only water) between each bite
5. Never ever eat after 10pm. No matter what. 

Exercise

1. Workout at least 5 times a week
2. Walk home at least 2 times a week

Other

1. Weigh-in every Sunday morning
2. Count every calorie eaten and burned as accurate and as much as possible
3. Every time I think about eating I will pop the rubber band on my wrist
4. I will constantly associate food with the taste of cold medicine 
5. I will constantly tell myself that I hate fod and such
6. Stop while you're ahead

Current Stats as of December 14, 2012

Weight: 101.4 lbs / 45.9 kg

Waist: 23.5" / 59.6cm

Hips: 34" / 86.3cm

Thighs: 18.5"  / 46.9cm

Just Fucking Great

I ate so much today. So fucking much. And just as I began to become motivated to workout he texts me just to accuse me of some bullshit. Not only do I have a sick, bloated feeling because of that fucking cupcake I ate, I now have a nauseous feeling in my stomach and a knot in my throat. Maybe I'll just try to purge now. Out of anger and self-hatred and frustration.

Fuck it.

That's what I keep trying to tell myself. He just pisses me off so damn much. But I'll try to use my hate to drive me. To feed Ana. I'll listen to angry songs as opposed to sad ones this time.
I'm so fucking pissed. At him and at myself.

But fuck it.

Ana keeps telling me to smile. I would be lost without her.

-Cassie

101.8

Not as bad as I thought it'd be considering I haven't worked out at all since before Thanksgiving Break. But I'm back to counting calories and I'll be starting my workouts again on Monday. Maybe even the ABC Diet again.

I am such a failure, I know. But I just got off the phone with my boyfriend and I think I have things straight with him. I sorta kinda explained to him my ED and everything and...I just don't have to worry about our relationship now. Meaning I can focus on ana and reaching my UGW. But my first goal: 95lbs.
I can do it.

I've learned that, through it all, Ana is the only one that will always be there for me. No matter what. I need this. I need the control she gives me. I need the incentive she gives me to wake up in the morning. I need the goals and the ambition.
Mostly I just need the goals.

And I need sleep. Goodnight, lovelies. It's great to be back.

-Cassie Ana

Still Alive :D

In the end I'll always come back to Ana. She's the only one that will never leave me.
I'm back. I'll start a new work out on Monday and I'm happy to say that I haven't eaten since 12-ish. This is going to work! I will reach my UGW!

I'll post stats later (:

-Cassie

Too upset to eat

I’m starting to not mind this. I’m so upset, so depressed, I've lost all desire to eat.

I literally can not stop crying and it’s just making my throat sort of close up and I’m sure I couldn't eat if I wanted to. I don’t even know what I’m upset over.

Just...everything. I really just want to end it all. I really really do. Everyday the idea becomes more and more incising. But I'm sure I won't. I have too much hope. But I'm not sure how long it'll last. I keep telling myself to smile, to stop thinking of negative things, to think positive. It's hard. Everything is making me cry and wish I was dead. Hopefully this will pass soon.

I have no idea what's going on.  

-Cassie

Last night I had a dream that I weighed 105. That might not be too far from the truth. I'm afraid to weigh myself considering the fact that I haven't been working out at all and I've been sorta kinda eat a lot. Just a lt of graham crackers. And egg nog.

Un/fortunately my phone is off until tomorrow at the latest. It's like a relief because now I don't have to worry about texting people and waiting for them to reply and such. But now I'm worried about all the texts I may be missing.
If any.
I'm still half-asleep so I'm not really sure what I'm saying/what's going on. I think I'll just spend the day on Etsy again.

I'm still alive. And a lot better.

Successful Day was Successful

Today was a rather good day. Not just dieting but overall.
School was bearable, I finished all my Pri-Docs, I did a great workout and I re-discovered the wonderfulness that is the Spit-n-Chew method.
I feel great (:
And I'm actually going to walk home tomorrow. And everyday after that. It's like I just made a huge breakthrough.
Tomorrow I'm babysitting until Saturday morning, and then I may be going to a party. Sunday I'm chillin with Braxton and then a new week starts, void of tests and projects. Things are pretty great.

I'm so much more motivated. Not by super-lovely things, but motivated nonetheless.
Ana is being good to me ^_^
It's a little past 10:30. I should try to get some extra sleep for once.

-Cassie

Tips: Chew n Spit

I really don't use this method as much as I should. I did it just now with my dinner and it worked pretty well. I only ended up eating about half of my chicken fajita.

Make sure you drink water between every bite. It fills you up, but also tricks your mind into thinking you're full from eating. I can tell because a part of me feel guilty even though I've eaten barely anything.
You're going to ingest some calories no matter what, but it's not as much as you would if you actually at it. And it's a good alternative to purging if you're terrified like me (:

Current Stats as of November 8, 2012

Weight: 98.6 lbs / 44.7 kg / 7 st


Bust: 30” / 76.2 cm


Waist: 24” / 60.9 cm


Hips: 33” / 83.8 cm


Thighs: 18” / 45.7 cm

Why can't I just do this?

I just want to be skinny.
I just want to be skinny.
I just want to be skinny.

I just want to be fucking skinny.

Why can't I just stop eating? Why? Every time I put food into my stupid face I instantly regret it. It makes me hate myself. I hate myself while I'm making it, I hate myself while I'm eating it, and I hate myself 10 fold afterwards. God if I only I wasn't such a little bitch about purging. It's not that fucking hard. I did it when I was 7.
7!
And I've thrown up tons of more times after that, just not on purpose. It's not that bad. It's not. I can do it. I can. And I will.
Or I'll just stop fucking over eating. I just need to be 80. I need to. I will.

I just want to be skinny. I need control.

-Cassie

Just 3 more hours!

I just have to make it 3 more hours to complete my 24 hour water fast.
I feel a little weird though. Like, slightly out of it. I think I may just be paranoid about passing out like last time. We'll see. Either way, things are good. I should probably start my homework.

Yep, I do feel rather weird. And I'm just sitting in bed. I'm getting a little worried.

-Cassie Ana

I won't eat until he texts me.

That has become my motto, my incentive for continuing this fast. It's working rather well and I don't know why.

-Cassie Ana

Fasting. Probably.

Since tomorrow is election day in the US I don't have school.  I think I'm going to fast, from now until whenever the results come in. For the past few days I've blown off the ABC diet and I've just eaten whatever. Sorta. There was some moderation, but considering the fact that I went through a pack of Milanos in one day, and I had a shit ton of pizza last week, and I drank non-diet soda...yeah, I spiked my calorie intake. The last time I weighed myself I was only 98.6, so maybe fasting for 24+ hours will help. It'll just fuck things up and I don't know.

I wish I could be stricter when it came to my diets. Things will be so much better when I can join the gym. And when I have a job. And a car.

-Cassie

UPDATE

November 3, 2012

I'm failing so hard at the ABC diet. I surprisingly weigh 98.6 despite my insane binges on the 27th and again on the 31st. I'm out of all the snack food my grandma bought me so I will now try to instill better eating habits.

I have to drink more water. Just so you guys know, if you take Biotin supplements for hair growth or to prevent hair loss it will make your skin break out extremely bad if you don't drink enough water. If you stay hydrated it will help clear it though. I haven't been drinking any water so my skin is breaking out like crazy. So I will now be drinking at least a cup of water every hour, plus taking sips between every bite of food.

Also, I'm growing my hair out and making it healthy because I plan to dye it pastel colors when I meet my UGW/when summer starts.

-Cassie

Freezing

My mom is in the hospital
I'm out of food.
I don't know how to work the heater.

All I have is tea and my boyfriend's jacket to keep me alive until probably tomorrow. I've definitely lost something in the past few days. Lost of physical activity/being cold.

Winter is no place for an Ana. I'm so cold all the time! My hands and feet especially. It's to be expected because I'm pretty sure I'm still anemic. But it sucks. It's only October and I'm almost unable to bear the weather. But at least being cold burns calories.
I have nothing to do so I guess I should get started on all my homework.

-Cassie

Unintentional fast

I haven't eaten in 17 hours. Maybe I can make it another 7.

I woke up at 7 this morning; School starts at 7:25. I didn't get to eat breakfast nor make a sandwich lunch. So I ended up not eating all day. I was planning on getting one of those 100 calorie oreo snacks at lunch, but by 5th period I realized that I wasn't all that hungry nor was my stomach growling (Really, my stomach growling is my only incentive for eating before or during school. It's so awkward!). So I went through the whole day and I plan on making it to, at the earliest, 6. I'll have to eat in the morning to avoid the chance of fainting during school. I'm not ready to attempt 2 days yet.

And it's kinda funny because I'm on the ABC diet as you know and today was supposed to be a fast day but I changed it because I didn't want to not eating during school. So yeah, Ana save me a bit. If I hadn't of woken up late today would of played out as usual: With me eating and probably going over my calorie limit.

But such happiness has a price. I feel like Braxton is mad at me. I sorta told him that I hadn't eaten in so many hours and that I was trying to go make it to 24. But I tried to lie explain that it was just to see if I could do it, not to actually fast. He hasn't texted me and it may be because of various reasons, but of course I jump to conclusions.

I'm just extremely upset about unfortunate yet insignificant events.

Current Stats as of October 23, 2012

Weight: 98.6 lbs / 44.7 kg

Waist: 24" / 60.9cm

Hips: 33.5" / 85cm

Thighs: 18.5"  / 46.9cm

I cut myself today.

It was the first time in 8 months. I don't feel bad like I usually do. I don't care.

I'm just feel really bad right now. I want this all to stop. I want to stop being so awkward and I want friends. I want to be skinny and normal and why can't things just work out for me?
I hate myself because I'm complaining about nothing and everyone hates me and I'll be alone forever.

And I'm contemplating if I should eat or not. I have a net of 154. Or something. But I want to prove to myself that I actually have self-control. Plus, food tends to seem unappealing after I've been crying.

-Cassie

Damn school cookies!

My school sells some amazing chocolate chip cookies. They are literally to die for! I just found out that they have 220 calories in them.

What the fuck?! Is that a normal calorie amount for a chocolate chip cookie? Regardless, I shan't be eating them anymore. I was so happy because I made it through the morning without having to have a small snack to stop my stomach from growling (100).

Bleh. I would of reached my goal of 500. Tomorrow is 300 and I'm not sure how I will accomplish that. But I will try.

-Cassie

The Last Meal

• Pistachios (170)
• 1 Subway Turkey Breast foot long (560)
• Apple Juice (250)
• Reese's (210)
• 2 Slices of pizza (620)

1,810 calories. 

What the fuck am I doing? How did I let this happen? Well...I don't want to sit here and yell at myself and hate myself and whatnot. What's done is done. I can't undo it. I'll just think of this as the last meal for all my fat.

The stress of Homecoming hasn't been helping. If anything it's just been making me eat more than normal. I won't be 95 by Homecoming. But that's okay. It's just Homecoming. Not prom or whatever.

So I'm just going to work on reaching my first GW "naturally". Not by Saturday, just in a normal amount of time.

I can do this.

See, I feel really stupid. I keep starting over and saying "oh, I'm gonna start doing this and this and this and blah blah blah", but I always screw up. I'm sorry guys. I'm really trying though. I know I can do this, it's just a question of if I will. Do I want this bad enough?

yes.

-Cassie

101.2

one-O-fucking-one.

point 2.

What the fuck? What the fuck am I doing? What the fuck have I done? I saw that just a few moments ago on the scale and I wanted to cry. I want to fucking die! I want to kill myself. I hate it. I was so close. So fucking close. Why can't I just do this? Why can't I just have self-control.

I fucking hate everything right now! Everything and everyone! I'm never going to eat again. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever! Not until I get to 95. Why is that so fucking hard?!

Fuck.

-Cassie

Current Stats as of October 6, 2012

Weight: 101.2 lbs / 45.9 kg

Waist: 24" / 60.9cm

Hips: 33.5" / 85cm

Thighs: 18.5"  / 46.9cm

Homecoming and Fasting

Homecoming is in exactly one week. I weigh 100.4. I'm fucking terrible.
I need to weigh 95 by next Saturday. I have to.

I'm fasting all-day today. For the next 7 days I'll be eating as little as possible and exercising as much as I can.

Today my boyfriend noticed how prominent my hipbones are and how much they stick out. He told me that he really liked it.

That makes me want to keep losing. It makes me want to be skinnier, for him. I know that's not what he would want, but still.

But at the same time it makes me feel disgusted with myself because I'm fucking fat. I can't stop eating. yeah, I walk home nearly everyday, and I only eat around 200 calories, but...I haven't weighed myself in a few days and I KNOW I'm around 99.
If I'm over, I think I may die.

-Cassie

Homecoming Meal Plan

Breakfast

• Oatmeal (130) no sugar!

Mid-Morning Snack

• 2 Whole Grain Saltines (26)

Lunch

• Sandwich (215)

After-School Lunch

• < 300

Dinner

• < 100

Exercise

• Walking home or Pilates for 30 minutes

I'm sorry Ana

I'm sorry.

I'm so afraid to weigh myself. Yesterday I was at 98.6. I feel disgusting. Why can't I just get down to 95? Why is this so hard. Ana, I'm sorry! I'm sorry I haven't been listening  to you. I'm sorry I've just been shoving food down my face and not practicing good eating habits.

I get my permit on Wednesday. Homecoming is next Friday. I have to lose the weight. I need my Permit to say 95 pounds. I need to be a size 0. I need this! I'm sorry! I've learned my lesson I'll listen to you from now on.

I'm sorry. Just make me skinny.

-Cassie

97.0

I weigh 97 pounds flat.
Everyday since last Friday I've been walking to Starbucks after school, and then back home. It's hot and it's a relatively long distance. Doable, but not something I'd want to do alone.
Plus, my bus stop has been changed to some place way down the street as opposed to just outside of our complex gate. So more walking. It's lovely!
And on top of that I started my permit classes yesterday so that's about 3 1/2 hours of me not being able to mindlessly snack. It does suck because I only have so much time to do my homework and I'm obviously not managing it well because I'm blogging instead of working on it...

But oh well!

So far I eat about 200 calories in the morning (including snaking to stop my stomach from being loud during class), 200-300 at lunch and at the most 400 at dinner time. And then you add in all the calories I burn from walking after and during school. It's great. Everyday I lose more and more. Only 2 pounds until I reach my first GW!

-Cassie Ana

Current Stats as of September 24, 2012

Weight: 97.6lbs / 44.2kg

Waist: 24" / 60.9cm

Hips: 33.5" / 85cm

Thighs: 18"  / 45.7cm

So it's 7pm now and I'm going on 7 hours without eating. I can definitely get used to this. It's quite easy when  I have so much homework and of course internet connection.

But I'm about to eat now. It's some sort of pasta/lasagna/meatball thing my mom made. It's cute when she tries to cook real food. She only does it when her boyfriend comes over. But I digress.
She also bought ice cream. 3 different mini/personal cartons (which has 4 servings in each) and they ALL have nuts in them save for the vanilla one which is hers. Either she bought them solely to please that guy, or she hasn't noticed in the past 16 years that I fucking despise nuts of all types when it comes to ice cream and candy.

But good. Now I won't be tempted to eat it. Pecans, almonds, and walnuts. Gross.
Now I will eat dinner. I have no idea how many calories are in the pasta, I can definitely found out for the bread. I guess I'll round it up to 400. I always overestimate my calories. My net for today is probably around 800 at the most.

-Cassie

Current Stats as of September 20, 2012

Weight: 99.2lbs / 44.9kg

Waist: 24.4" / 62.2cm

Hips: 34" / 86.3cm

Thighs: 18"  / 45.7cm

Food Log 9.19

Breakfast:

• Oatmeal (130)

Lunch:

• Sandwich (215)

Dinner:

• Salmon (99)
• Tater tots (140)

Total: 584 calories

99.6

I finally weigh less than 100. You don't know how happy I am.
For the last few weeks, being in the triple-digits, I've just felt so out of place. So...not me. I'm not meant to be 100lbs. The 90s range is my home. It's where I feel the most comfortable.

But now I'm back. I've been super super busy with school and such, and I should probably be doing my homework instead of blogging, but whatever. I have some time to spare.

Yesterday I was so swamped with school work that I didn't eat until 7:10pm, which meant I went without food for about 7 hours. And when I did finally eat (chicken and fried rice from PeiWei), I ate sooo little and was still rather full. It was so easy. I want to do it again. I already screwed up by eating some cookie dough when I got home, but I think I burned enough of it off when I worked out about an hour ago. So now I'll try to hold off until 6 or 7.

I can do it. Ana girls are strong, yeah?

I'm just so glad to be back under 100. Now my goal is 95. I can do it. I will do it.

Current Stats as of September 19, 2012

Weight: 99.6lbs / 45.1kg

Waist: 24.4" / 62.2cm

Hips: 34" / 86.3cm

Thighs: 18"  / 45.7cm

September 15, 2012
10pm

7 hours down. 21 to go.

I'm hungry, but not extremely. Occasionally I'll have the urge to go down stairs and pop a dinner roll in the microwave, but then I pinch myself on the inside of my forearm and repeat the mantra "Ana girls are strong" over and over.

-Cassie Ana

September 15, 2012
5pm

My mother made me go to a Chinese buffet so I had to restart my fast at 3pm. I was pretty bummed out but the bright sides are A) I got to eat vegetables and fruit and fish and rice-pretty healthy stuff and B) We did some shopping and it's like 100 degrees here so I burned a lot of calories just by walking around.
But now I'm ready to start this thing! I'm already 2 hours in and yeah. I've changed it to 28 hours to I can finish at dinner time tomorrow. Just for simplicity I guess. And because I like the number 28.
I've fasted before, sorta, so I know it's gonna get VERY tough.
But I have homework to keep me too occupied to eat, friend troubles to keep me too upset to want to eat, and the worst cramps in the world to fuel my aversion to food.

2 down, 26 more hours to go.

-Cassie Ana

24-Hour Water Fast

September 15, 2012
12:05pm

Breakfast:

• 1/2 cup of plain Greek Yogurt (95)
• 1 Hawaiian roll (90)
• Half of a Fiber One bar (45)

Total: 230

My water fast begins now! Well, it started 7 minutes ago, but whatever. I think I'm gonna make myself a cup of Yogi detox tea and get started on all the stuff I have to do. Hopefully things will go well.

-Cassie Ana

Fasting Tomorrow

September 15, 2012
2:09am

I think I'm going to try a 24-hour fast tomorrow. Since I have so much homework and stuff, I'll have things to help keep me occupied and not eating. I just want to try it and see if I can do it.

Okay really I just want to try to lose something. Anything. I'm down to 100.6 and I know I can get below 100 easily, but I'm really pushing for 95 now. I need it!
I know I won't lose 5 pounds by just fasting for a day, but you get it. It's a start.

So tomorrow I will eat breakfast at 10am (assuming I'm up by then) probably Greek Yogurt and a Hawaiian roll or two. And the rest of the day will consist of water, detox tea, and more water.
Not super excited about this because I know it will be extremely hard, but still anxious to see what happens. Hopefully fainting and/or dying doesn't happen. But hopefully I'll be able to get a ton of homework done because I'll be trying to distract myself from food.
We'll see.

-Cassie

I can't do this anymore

September 12, 2012
11:30p

This "Eat 1,200 Calories a Day" thing. I weigh 102. I gained 3 pounds + 2.5" inches on my waist.
In 5 days!
I look fucking disgusting! I've lost most of the curve in my waist. I look awful! Fortunately it has only gone to my stomach, not my thighs. Yet.
A part of me wants to weight it out, another week or 2, to see if my metabolism will get back to "normal" and I'll start loosing weight. But the other part of me has been doing research all day long and has decided that 1. Starvation Mode is bullshit and 2. I should go back to eating 500-800 calories a day. I may even start the Skinny Girl Diet again. Or just use it as a guideline.

So yes. I am back to restricting. I tried eating "normal". I tried eating healthy. But I'm still healthy. I take vitamins and I eat fruits and veggies and I plan to buy even more supplements when I have extra cash. Everything will be okay. I won't have to force food down my throat and I'll be skinny again. Skinnier.
Hey, maybe after I reach my UGW I'll start to slowly increase my caloric intake be "normal" again.

Ana: 1
Cassie: 0

-Ana

I met a guy today...

September 10, 2012
11pm

He sits at my lunch table. I sort of like him. It's possible that he likes me. That'd be cool.

3 girls walked buy our table. They were big. I guess you could call them fat. They were pretty average sized (for America, I guess) and far from obese. Maybe a few pound overweight medically-speaking, but they were okay.

He called them fat.
It wasn't necessarily in a nasty, mean way. Just very...matter-of-factly.

So tomorrow I'm going to dress normal pretty and talk to him more and just assess the situation; See where things stand I guess. It'd be cool if he actually liked me and stuff. Maybe I could pretend to be a normal girl with a normal boyfriend and a normal life.

Note To Self: Don't get fat.

-Cassie

Ana girls are strong.

September 9, 2012
11:42pm

I wish I had gotten more done this weekend. I also wish I hadn't eaten as much. But oh well.
Tomorrow things will begin. I spiked my calorie intake like crazy; I forced nearly 2,000 calories into my body. Tomorrow I will keep it strictly under 1,200 and I will follow all the rules and by mid-October I'll reach my first goal weight.

It will be wicked marvelous.

-Cassie

Current Stats as of September 9, 2012

Weight: 100.6lbs / 45.6kg

Waist: 25" / 63.5cm

Hips: 35" / 88.9cm

Thighs: 18"  /45.7cm

Change

September 9, 2012

2:50am

I'm going to be making a few changes to things. I haven't been losing weight like at all. I actually gained some over the weekend. So I have to try something else. Here are the changes I will hopefully be making and sticking to:

1. I will try to eat 1,000-1,200 calories a day. I'm sure my metabolism has slowed down a great deal so I'm gonna spike my intake to get it back to normal. This will probably make me gain a bit of weight at first, but I can deal.
2. I will eat once in the morning, once at lunch, once later in the afternoon, and one at night. Nothing between then unless it's a light snack like grapes or Triscuits.
3. I will not eat after 9pm. I haven't had dinner and someone is bringing me shitty fast food. You know what I mean.
4. I will drink at least 2 cups of green tea a day to boost my metabolism more and also to avoid retaining extra water.
5. I will drink either a cup of tea or a cup of water before any meal (except breakfast and lunch on weekdays. I don't like having to pee during school).
6. I will take sips of water between every bite
7. I will put my spoon/fork/chopsticks down after every bite. ...okay, maybe not the chopsticks.
8. I will work out 3 times a week. Probably Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.
9. I will weigh-in every Sunday no matter what!
10. I will keep a rubber band on my left wrists and every time I think about food, I will snap it.
11. I will keep a food log and use my MFP (Cassieana85)

If I think of more (and I will), I will add them later.

Now I shall sleep.

-Cassie

Weekday Meal Plan

Breakfast:

• Oatmeal (130)
• Tbsp of sugar (45)

Lunch:

Sandwich:

• Bread (200)
• 1/2 tbsp of mayonnaise (45)
• Mustard (0)
• Turkey (30) 

After School Snack

• Bowl of noodles (190)

Dinner

• Whatever my mom cooks, no more than 400 calories

Total: about 1,000 calories.

What am I doing?

September 8, 2012
8:25pm

• 5 chicken strips (610)
• Small fry (34)
• 1/3 medium Sprite (97)
• 2 mini-candies (60)
• 1 slice of cheese cake (250)
• 2 dinner rolls (200)
• 3 more candies (90)
• Pasta (probably like 120)
• 2 more dinner rolls (200)
• more candy (60)

I ate 1,721 calories today.

I hate myself. 

1,700 isn't totally bad right? I mean, I should be eating like 2,000. My BMR is 1,300. And...I weighed myself and I was 101 flat. Remember not even a month ago when I was 97lbs?

I need to get back to that.

And then 90.

And 85. ...if that's even possibly, I'm not sure.

It was just one binge. Everything will be okay. I'll be back on track tomorrow. 

Breakfast

September 8, 2012
10:57am

Just 30 more minutes and I'll be free. I've been contemplating is I should eat breakfast before my grandmother gets here to take me to the store. But chances are great that she'll make me get something-some terrible, disgusting, triple-digit calorie fast food-while we're out.
So I'll just hold off. If she doesn't make me eat I'll just have some Greek yogurt when I get back. And then...

I have so much to do today. 9 Pri-Docs for US History AP. I have no idea how long they will take me. But I have the weekend. One great thing about being a Junior is the plethora of homework, projects and tests.

More assignments = More time spent working on them
More time spent working on them = Less time to eat

I thin I should start on them now.

-Cassie

I want to eat.

September 8, 2012

2:40am

I want to eat so badly.

I want to go down to the kitchen and get a Hawaiian  roll, or some cookie dough, or something. I don't know if I'll be able to control myself. I have to get up at 10, I think I'll attempt to sleep now before I go down stairs and...

Post Number One.

September 8, 2012
1:51am

Sleep.

I need it. I want it. This is why I shouldn't be allowed on the internet. I spend all my time making blogs that no one will ever read about topics that no one would want to read.
But I need this. I need a place to vent, to release my thoughts and feelings and fears. And I'm too old to write them down in a pink, locking notebook like I used to. Like I did for the last 3 years.

First posts are always the hardest. I guess I should introduce myself,
My name is Cassie. I am 16 years old and I've suffered from Anorexia Nervosa and/or basic disordered eating for the past 9 years. At times I was okay. Calories, carbs or weight never crossed my mind. At other times net caloric intake, basal metabolic rates and pounds and inches were my life. My world. My only concern.
Things have gotten worse over the summer. I am the worst, the "sickest", I've ever been. Though that's not saying much. I'm not the sickest. I'm just my sickest.

So here I am. This is my blog. This is where I will express my mind. My thoughts. I have nothing planned. I'm just gonna talk. Hopefully someone, somewhere will find my ramblings useful.