I'm alive!

And I'm back.

Update

I didn't realize it had been so long since I's posted. Absolutely nothing new has happened save for today. 

So I finally have a gym membership. And apparently my mom and I are going tomorrow. As much as I don't want to go with my mom, oh well. I just need to work out to kill time as much as burn calories. I'm gonna start restricting again. I've been doing good so far. Maybe I'll even do a water fast today.
We'll see. I'll keep my intake below 500 if I have to eat.

ABC Diet Today! :D

I'm officially starting the ABC diet today. Only 500 calories, I can do it! I'm just so fat, it's disgusting. I need to fix this.
It won't be hard. I did it before.

The one thing I hate about drinking water is the horrible bloated feeling you get afterwards. Ugh, it's terrible. But better than eating. I think I'm going to fast until tomorrow morning. I already have a net of -172 so hopefully I can go the night without fucking it up. 

I feel so fat and gross and ugly. I think I'm gonna do some laundry, wash my hair, clean up a bit. Just anything to burn more calories.

Also, drinking all this water has really helped clear up my skin. I have super sensitive skin so I break out a lot, especially in the summer. But it's gotten better ^_^ We really need a water filter. Houston tap water is horrid.

But I digress; I'm hungry, but I'm not. Whenever I think about eating all I have to do is look down at my stomach or my thighs. That's enough to discourage me from eating. Also, I'm craving everything we don't have in the house. I couldn't eat if I wanted to really.   

-Cassie Ana

I don't care if it's 1 in the morning. All I can do is sit here looking at my huge, fat stomach. I'm so disgusting. I hate myself for letting this happen. But I'm going to fix it. Now! 

Food Log 7.19.13

Breakfast: 15

• Vitamins (15)

Lunch: 300

• Beef & bean burrito (300) 

Dinner: 600

• 2 beef & bean burritos (600)

Exercise: -851

• Work - 6 hours (-816)
• Dog walking - 5 min (-10)
• Other - 20 min (-25)

Net Intake: 64 calories

I'm really dreading going to work. 6 hours. I think I might kill myself while I'm there. A part of me is hoping that my grandma doesn't show up to take me. But if she doesn't I'll probably just walk. I'm giving them a 2-week notice today. I hate it there.

But the good thing about working there is that I usually have to walk a mile to get there (and back), I don't have time to eat while I'm there, and I burn a lot of calories. Maybe not a lot, but some. And any amount counts. Ugh, I just really don't want to go. I'm tired. I just hate it there, I really do.

I can't wait to go to the gym!

If my mother doesn't disappoint me like she usually does, we're going to officially sign up for they gym on Saturday. We're already members, we just have to fill out paperwork or whatever. I can't wait! I've been wanting this for the past year. Actually for as long as I can remember, but you get the point.
The gym I'm going to moved even to my house too. Like about 2 minutes, walking! As opposed to about 5 xD

The only problem is that I don't have actual workout clothes. I need some. I need shorts, a shirt, a sports bra and shoes. I have absolutely none of that. And I need a water bottle. And new headphones. And an arm strap for my phone. Jesus. I need things. If my mom hadn't of got a new job, I would reconsider quitting mine. But I am. Though that's a story for another day.

I have clothes that are "appropriate". Shoes as well. I'll just use those for now. I need to work out. I haven't used actual gym equipment since 9th grade. I sure do miss it.

Also, I'm not sure if this is good or bad, but my boyfriend goes to the same gym and he said he wants to workout with me. As much as I would love being with him. No. I can't. I'm awkward already. He can't see me when I'm sweating and gross and exercising. I bet I'll look awful. And fat. Maybe after I shed a few pounds. Maybe when I'm InstagramWorkoutPic-Worthy. And I just don't want to expose him to all my...issues. He already knows everything (just the gist of it I assume), but it's better not to see it in actual, right? I don't want him to see how hard I force push myself. Nor do I want him to see me weak and tired and gross afterwards.

But I'm just really excited. I wanna use the treadmill and the bikes and that machine that works your legs. And anything that helps with thighs. I mostly just want the treadmill.

Hopefully I don't pass out or die while I'm there. I just can't wait! I miss the feeling of working out. Even Pilates. But I'll be able to do that again soon too.

I'm so fat.

I'm fat and disgusting and huge. God, I don't know how this happened. I'm fucking fat! I just noticed today.
It's no wonder I'm so fat. I've been eating anything and everything all fucking summer. I had 3 bowls of cereal this morning. But there will be no more for today. I'm done.

My mom finally signed me up for the gym, so I can start going on Saturday (hopefully). On Monday I'm going to start the ABC Diet. And I'm actually going to stick with it! Until then I'm just going to keep my calorie intake under 300 and drink a shit ton of water.

My boobs have gotten so much bigger since I've been on the pill. Because of this, I don't have to worry about them shrinking once I start losing weight. A part of me wants them back the way they were, so I won't mind if they end up getting a bit smaller. Nor would I complain if they stayed the same. It's a win-win situation.

-Cassie Ana

I'm Sad

And nauseous.
And bored.
And ignored.

I think I'm going to go drink and attempt to go to sleep. I hate life. I hate people.

SGD Diet Tomorrow!

It's summer. I have nothing to do. I might as well start a new-ish diet. I'm not gonna fail this time. I'm gonna do the Skinny Girl Diet again. Partly because it's easier than the others, partly because I tried it last summer and...memories I guess <3
Tomorrow is a new month, a Monday, a new beginning.
I will also commemorate this by washing my hair and making it really pretty ^_^

-Cassie Ana

Update!!

So much has happened in the past few weeks. I'll just get right to it because none of it is extremely important:

1. I'm back with my ex. The one I dated in like October-December. Hopefully things go better this time. We've both grown up a bit. He realized how much he needs me, I realized that I don't need him. As in, I'm not as obsessive and insecure as I used to be. He needs me more that I need him, but I want him more than anything in the world. And that's how I want it to be. Also, I don't have a major freak out when he doesn't text me for a few hours. I've gotten better.
2. I finally got birth control. I don't really know why. I mean, I don't need it. As much as I hate my cramps, and as cool as it is to have extra protection when I have sex, I honestly just got it because my mom didn't want me to. I have this bad "I want it and I want it NOW" mentality. I went through Hell to get these pills. And they're kinda useless to me but whatevs. One major downside is that they might make me gain weight. 
3. I nearly passed out walking to work today. It was noon, it was hot as fuck, and I hadn't eaten a thing. It was scary and I'm still pissed that I had to miss work. But as I was walking home I couldn't help but think about all the calories I was burning. I felt so weak thin and lovely. And I was able to go all the way to 6pm before eating.
4. I haven't smoked in forever. Since Tuesday I believe. Similar to fasting, once you get past the 3rd day, things get way easier. Before I was craving nicotine like crazy, now I don't have the physical craving anymore. Like, if someone offered me a cigarette, I'd be able to say no. 

That's about it. I'm going to work on drinking more water and just being healthier again. I have more than enough time to do that.

-Cassie

Current Stats: 6.29.13

Height: 5'4

Weight: 100 lbs / 45.36 kg

Bust: 30.5" / 77.5 cm

Waist: 23" / 58.4 cm

Hips: 33" / 83.8 cm

Thighs: 18" / 45.7 cm

It definitely feels like summer again: Waking up early, drinking a cup of green tea, about to do Pilates.
For the first time in a long time I'm actually really happy about how I look. So much progress!! But I can do better, and I will.

Also, I've officially quit smoking. I'm far too pretty for cigarettes.
Anyway, after I finish this cup of tea I'll do some Pilates. I have work today but I also get my pay check so I can't wait for that!

-Cassie 

30 Day ED Challenge: Day 11

List 10 physical features you like about yourself

1. Thigh gap
2. Butt
3. Hair
4. Eyes
5. Tiny waist
6. Collarbones
7. Legs
8. Hipbones
9. Finger nails
10. Smile

30 Day ED Challenge: Day 10

Does anyone close to you have an ed? How do you think that has impacted you?

My best friend has an ED. He restricts and purges. A lot. Though he doesn't believe that he has a problem. That's the part that hurts the most: The fact that she doesn't know or doesn't want to admit that she's slowly killing herself. Or maybe she just doesn't care.

It impacts me in the worst ways. Instead of making me want to get better, it just makes me try harder. It makes me want to stay sick and lose more and fast and just get into all the old habits. Not out of jealous or to one-up her, just...I don't know. She's my best friend and I want to do everything she does. Also, she's fucking perfect in my opinion. She's super pretty, she has a perfect body, and an amazing personality. I understand that she can't see it, but...fuck. 

I just want her to get better. You have no idea. She's just so much better than this disease. 

Maybe I should just become sicker.
That way I can be skinny and I'll get shipped far far away from here.

My boyfriend is probably the biggest trigger I've ever encountered and in so many ways.

The first and most obvious way is the fact that he used to be bulimic.
And he talks about it.
A lot.
And shows me pictures of when he was in the hospital.
And his IV.
And I honestly never thought anything could upset me so much.

The worst part is that I'm not upset because out of concern for his well-being (as far as I can tell he's better now). It's more that I'm upset out of jealousy. Of the fact that he was sick enough to go to a hospital. Sick enough that people actually noticed. And cared.
But yeah, I never thought anything could trigger me that much. Like, the way he would describe how much he'd throw up, and the fact that he could eat so much and then just get rid of it. Despite all that I know about bulimia, I can't help but be a bit jealous of the fact that he was actually able to do it. I would of gave anything to be able to get rid of a binge. I think I'm going off topic now. I think you get the point.

The other ways he triggers me is the same as any other guy: He's not perfect. As in, he doesn't treat me the way he should according to my fucked up, fantasy land. He doesn't shower me with attention 24/7, and he sorta hides things from me-like most normal human beings do in relationships. It's really nothing worth being upset about, but I'm me so of course I'm going to obsess about it.

One good thing about him (though there are many) is the fact that since he doesn't have his car, we have to walk everywhere. So much fucking walking, so many calories burned. And since I spend 99.9% out of the house, I don't have time to eat junk food. Just Ramen and waffles. Still shit food though.

I'm really tired so I'm sorry that this is all jumbled and random. I'm sort of upset and again really fucking tired. Maybe I'll do a water fast tomorrow. Just for shits & giggles.

-Cassie

30 Day ED Challenge: Day 8

What's your favorite meal? Was it the same before your ED?

My favorite meal would have to be fried rice. It was the same before my ED.

Ana's Rules for June

1. Workout at least 30 minutes a day (unless I have work)
2. Drink 1 cup of water every hour; Minimum of 8 cups a day
3. Net calorie limit of 1,000/day
• Cheat day allowed once a week
4. Little to no soda or juice
5. Record everything

In an hour an a half it'll be June.

New diet, new Blogilates calendar, new Cassie. I know I'm notorious for starting over, but I am determined. With no school, no shitty people, no upsetting circumstances, I am unstoppable. Gosh you guys have no idea how excited I am for the summer! So many plans! So many ways to better myself!

And just one full day of school + 1.5 hours for finals left until I'm be done with my Junior year! It'll all be over guys. I can't wait.

I've developed some rules for myself for the summer. One of them is to get at least 8 hours of sleep every night so I might as well start off the first day of June/The New Me off right by doing that. Goodnight lovelies (: I'll explain more tomorrow.

-Cassie Ana

Update, yo.

Crazy stuff has happened in this past week. Maybe one day I'll recount it all, but long story short I have a new boyfriend and he's lovely.
He guilt-tripped me into showing him my pro-ana blog and now he wants me to gain 4 pounds. Such a random number, I know. But whatever. He's adorable. And I need to get better, Though I'm afraid that if he gets me new batteries for my scale it'll trigger me and I'll relapse.

On a similar note, I'm sorta forced to eat now because not eating really triggers my derealization and if you don't know what that is, just know that it's literally the worst thing I've ever experienced. It's like being on the verge of going crazy whilst questioning whether or not the world around is actually real. But whatever.

It turns out I'm not moving. I'm cool with that. Life is great, guys.

-Cassie

30 Day ED Challenge Day 7

What about it do you enjoy?

The control. Counting calories, exercise, measurements...it makes me feel powerful and so in control of my body and my life. It is was such a big part of my life. Everything revolved around that net intake and what the scale would read the next morning. If anything, I enjoy the fact that it gives me something to do. Something to focus on.

30 Day ED Challenge Day 6

What part of your ED do you dislike the most?

There are so many things, how could I pick just 1? I think the worst thing may be what it's doing to my mind. Not eating is literally making me stupid and crazy. It's triggering my depersonalization which is fucking Hell dealing with. And on top of that I'm always so tired and confused my school work is suffering. Even now, typing this is extremely difficult because I can't think straight. 

I just don't feel like myself. I feel dead. It's like I'm dead. 

Best. Weekend. Ever.

These past 48 hours have been crazy.
I can't even.

It's been a blur of cigarette smoke, Godiva vodka, hit & runs, rough sex and too few calories.

-Cassie

30 Day ED Challenge Day 5

What would you do to prevent someone close to you from developing and ED?

First off Is should say sorry for getting so behind on these. It's been a crazy week, guys.

Anyway, I would let them see the consequences; The damage that ED's cause physically, mentally, and socially. The hair loss, night sweats, spells of dizziness, heart palpitations, compulsive thoughts, insomnia and/or extreme fatigue, bad skin, bloating, passing out, anxiety, and self-hatred. Hopefully that will convince them to either stop trying to develop destructive habits (give themselves an ED) or convince them to get help if they're already sick. 

One of my best friends has an ED and it fucking kills me inside. I don't see her IRL too often so I'm not sure how serious it is for her. But I worry so much about her. It's only going to get worse if she doesn't get help. This ED has literally almost killed me. The thought of someone close to me dealing with this shit is horrible. 

30 Day ED Challenge Day 4

What is your motivation to recover?

I want to be pretty. I want nice skin and healthy hair. I hate looking sickly. My main motivation is the desire to look healthy. I know I should say to be healthy, but I won't lie: Appearance means a lot to me.

I don't want to be this skinny. I don't find it appealing or attractive (at least not on myself). I hate it! But I can't stop. I have to be skinny. It's all I have to be proud of. So right now my only motivation is looking healthy and attractive and pretty. 

30 Day ED Challenge Day 3

List 10 non-physical things you like about yourself

1. I’m loyal
2. I’m trust worthy; I can always keep promises
3. I have great tastes in music
4. My guitar skills are spot-on
5. I’m a good actress
6. And and even better writer
7. I’m intelligent
8. I can love people deeply and unconditionally
9. I’m a good listener/I’m always there for others
10. I’m essentially an optimist

Food Log: 5.12.13

Lunch: (720)

• 3 slices of cheese pizza w/ light sauce (720)

Snacks: (140)

• 4 shortbread cookies (140)

Exercise: (-268)

• Walking to and from work (-136)
• Working: 7 hours (-132)

Net: 592 calories

30 Day ED Challenge Day 2

What does recovery mean to you?

Recovery means self-acceptance and being happy with how you are, whether you weight 90 pounds or 390. Recovery means being able to be hungry and not make a list in your mind of the things you can and can’t eat. It means not hating yourself when you crave sweets or carbs or soda. Recovery means not stressing over calories or calculating and re-calculating your intake throughout the day. It doesn’t mean you eat everything and anything you want, it means you’re capable of making healthy decisions. 

Update

I have work at 2, so I'll just kill time by giving you guys an update because it's not like I could be doing homework or something. Despite the amount of shit I've been eating all month, my stomach actually looks okay. And the curvature of my waist is back. Side Story: About a month ago I was talking to my ex and he essentially said that I didn't have a waist. Since then I've been completely and utterly obsessed with having a defined waistline. I don't want to have the midsection of Kate Upton ):

Although this isn't as bad as it could be considering my diet and lack of exercise, I can do better. I will do better. For the rest of the month I'm just gonna watch what I eat and try to keep a net of less than 1,000. I'll start working out too. Once school's out (on the 6th) I'm going back to dieting. I might do the SGD. But you guys know I'm horrible at diets. We'll see. It's my thighs. I can't tell if it's the pants, or if I'm just fat. I'm sure it's the latter. I need to do something about my thighs!
I work 2-9 today (seriously, what the fuck?) so I'll attempt to go the entire day without eating. So far, I haven't had a thing. Hopefully we can keep it that way.

-Cassie Ana

30 Day ED Challenge Day 1

Original Posts

How long have you been with an ED? Why do you think you started?

I've suffered from some sort of eating disorder since I was about 7 or 8. It started because, as a child, I was naturally extremely skinny. It was the one thing that set me apart from everyone else; People would always comment on it and, though I was young, I knew that I was considered lucky because being fat was/is undesirable in our society. But I realized that I had some fat. That’s obviously normal, but it wasn't good enough. I remember the exact moment I realized that I could pinch fat on my stomach, and from that moment on…

Being skinny was and is something I’m proud of because it’s all I have. It’s the only thing that makes me stand out. I don’t have pretty eyes or perfect hair or a good height. I’m just skinny and I hate it.

-Cassie

I'm Cured

TW: I talk about binging and food and more food.

I've been eating normal for the past few weeks. And by normal I mean "everything I can get my hands on". You have no idea. It's just been a continuous binge on shit food (I have acquired an insatiable desire for Twix bars). The funny thing is that I haven't gained much-at least it wouldn't seem like it to the normal, non-ana person. Trust me, I've examined ever inch of my body and I can pinpoint every ounce of fat I have gained over the months, but to the general public I'm still thin as fuck.

Except one area which has become the source of my dilemma. My boobs have gotten a bit bigger. As in my bust measurement has increased by about an inch. And they just look better. I don't know, maybe my mind's playing tricks on me. The problem is that I like having boobs. But I also like having a flat stomach. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I want so desperately to start dieting again. I haven't been working out at all (mainly because of work), I haven't been counting any calories, and I really want to start again. I do not want to be fat! Summer is so close and I just want to look nice! But...at the same time I don't want to be super skinny. I don't want to lose my boobs. God, I wish you could specifically target fat, you know? Like you could choose where it comes from when you burn it.
Ugh, what am I even going on about? I'm going to bed now.
Starting now I'll drink more water and eat less shit food. And do Pilates. We'll go from there.

-Cassie

I was so tired from my shift last night I ended up oversleeping and missing school/this half-important half-mediocre standardized test. But whatever. At least I get to take it later i.e. not have to wait 4+ hours in a dead silent room.
Tests in general have become my biggest fear because it's so awkward when my stomach growls!

But anyway, I work from 4-8. Hopefully I'll be doing the same thing I did last night (cutting and labeling pizzas). And since there's like no food in the house, I'll be fasting today. All day ^_^
I should probably start doing something productive like studying or cleaning or whatever.

Orientation Tomorrow.

I accidentally slept all day. It's like 12am, I'm so fucked. But whatever. I have orientation tomorrow and I'm pretty excited. I'm on the cusps of excited as fuck and nervous as fuck. I just want money! My flat iron is about to break completely so I might have to shell out $120 for a new one. Meh. That won't be for a few weeks. I'm just stressing out about life.
I just need to start working and then things will be fine. Ugh. I'm dehydrated. And out of it. I just need to make it through the next 15 hours and I'll be good.

I have a job!!

I got hired at the new Lil Caesars by my school over the weekend. I turned in the application on Friday, the manager asked me to come back for an interview on Saturday at 12 and after about 45 minutes of mediocre interview questions and a short test on common sense I was hired. Orientation is on Wednesday and I'm going tomorrow to buy clothes n stuff. I'm so excited! This means I'll have something to do after school and on weekends i.e. I'll be distracted from eating! And of course I'll be making money. I've been making a list off all the things I need.

So let's say I work 30 hours a week making $7.25 an hour, after taxes (I'll just overestimate and take half) I'll get about $220. I can buy all the things!

• $30 - To get my guitar out of the pawn shop
• $25 - To pay Chris back for buying me a shirt at the Twiztid show
• $17 - Hatchetman Charm
• $12 - Stripped leggings 
• $30 - Tribal Ankle Boots
• $33 - New handbag (to be fair I don't own a single purse so yeah)
• $13 - Wallet
• $50 - Savings
• $10 cash

Still alive

Just procrastinating.

I'm a mess

I just pawned my guitar so I could go to a concert tonight. Now I'm waiting for my friend to text me and tell me when he's coming to pick me up, hoping that he doesn't screw me over.
And mainly hoping that the tickets won't be sold out when I get there, though that seems unlikely. But still, I'm panicking. That's just what I do.

I'm extremely hungry, but I can't eat. The thought of burning all those calories tonight makes me not want to put a single thing in my mouth. But the fear of possibly passing out isn't too cool.
On top of all this, I'm extremely tired like I usually am after school. It's like 4:40. Ugh! I can't sleep because I'm afraid I'll miss texts and stuff. The show doesn't end until 2 so there's a good chance that I'll be up for the next 24-hours. One does not simply go to bet at 3 and wake up at 5:40. I'm already planning on buying a few Monsters on my way to school in the morning.

But I felt rather skinny today so I took a picture of my progress:

-Cassie Ana

I don't know what's worse: The fact that I ate 4 slices of pizza or the fact that I had to spend $8 dollars for it. Honestly the latter is upsetting me more than the former. But whatever. I'm fasting until Sunday morning.
I'm trying to find the positive though. I got to hang out with this girl I'm basically in love with and she gave me a cigarette. Meh. I'm really not into this "being alive" thing at the moment.

-Cassie

4.4 Lunabelle Diet Day 11

Breakfast: 15

• Vitamins

Exercise: (-119)

• Walking up/down stairs - 3 min (-18)
• Walking during school - 20 min (-45)
• Push-ups - 1 min (-6)
• Pilates - 22 min (-50)

Net Intake -104/0 calories

It's so cold, but I have hot tea and an awesome sweater. I'm actually home for once. Usually I go to Starbucks after school, but it's far too cold for that. Though it would of been a great way for me to resist eating (as ironic as that sounds). But whatever. I need to get some school work done for once.

Anyway, I've made it almost 15.5 hours without eating. Going through the school day was a breeze. I think I might actually stop snacking in 2nd period and taking my lunch. I'll just eat in the morning and maybe something in 6th period if my stomach gets annoying.
Things aren't getting easier. My grandma bought us groceries and there are 3 mini packs of Milano cookies in the kitchen. 180 calories each. And my mom just made me put a pizza in the oven. 360 calories per slice. Usually, since it's just my mom and I, I eat exactly half. Soooo over 1,000 calories from just dinner. Gross.
But I'll be okay. My problem is the fear of wasting food. I just need to make myself understand that I can always save the pizza until tomorrow. But yeah. After I finish my tea I'll work out a bit and then fall asleep try to get some homework done.

-Cassie Ana

Dear Cassie

Stop, you've had enough. You don't need to eat anymore. You don't need dinner, you don't need a "snack". You can survive without mindless snacking. Don't let me down; Don't let yourself down.
Do feel like eating? Why? Seriously, as yourself why. Because you're bored? Because you're sad? Because you're lonely? Food is not going to make you feel better. You and I know both know all too well that mindlessly shoving food down your throat is not going to help. It's just going to make you hate yourself and feel like a failure. Because that's all you are at this point. A failure.
Instead of eating think of how fat you are. Think of how much fatter you will be. Look at your stomach. Look at the rolls, the bloating, the obscene protrusion. Take of your pants - go on, do it. Look at your thighs, how huge they are. Now look at your ass. Remember when he said your ass was "killer"? I think he was just trying to be nice. Still hungry? Think of how nice it'll be when you're skinny. How hot you'll look with trim, toned thighs, a nice round butt, a thin stomach with slight abs. You can't possibly expect to put a belly ring on that monstrosity you call a stomach. It's getting hotter. Think of how amazing you'll look in skirts and shorts. Those leggings you want to buy-you can wear them with thighs like yours. Think of how his draw will drop when he sees you in them if you don't eat and continue to work out religiously. Think of how badly you want him, now multiply that by 100. That's how he'll feel when he sees you. But not now. You're too weak. You can't even go a few hours without eating. Wow.

Still wanting to shove food in your face? Drink a glass of water, or better yet some tea. Do those squats. Or do Pilates. Think of how bad he hurt you. Think of that feeling you get when he walks away, think of that feeling you got when he gave you that half-assed answer today. It's because you're ugly. Undesirable. Take that pain, that anger, that disappointment and put it into your workout. That physical pain is nothing in comparison so don't you dare quit! Take that pain and make it useful.

You don't need food and you don't need that peasant. But you do need to be hot. Beautiful. You can do it. You don't need to eat. Don't eat. It's not that hard. Just don't do it. If you make it through today, it'll just get easier. You just need to get through this okay? You're worthy of it. You're worthy of being beautiful and hot and sexy. Drink some water. Now. The hunger is just in your head. What will you lose by not eating except for all that fat? Now what will you gain? Everything. But mostly self-control.
Please don't let me down. At the end of the day, I'm the only one that will always be there for you, but only if you let me.

-Ana

Pilates guys. It's great. I'm gonna have such an amazing body by the time school's out. 

Tomorrow is a 500 calorie day and we are officially out of junk food in the house. So it shouldn't be too hard. I want this more than anything. My ex is trying to interpolate himself back into my life and to be completely honest, nothing motivates me through a work out more than the thought of becoming super fucking toned and hot and him knowing that he can't have me like he did before. Major ego-boost. I don't really have much to talk about. It's raining like crazy but I'm gonna go have a smoke. And then hopefully sleep at a decent time (despite the fact that I took a 4 hour nap this afternoon).

-Cassie

4.1 Lunabelle Diet Day 8 Food Log

Breakfast: 200

• Vitamins (15)
• PB&J Sandwich (185)
• 1 tbsp of strawberry jelly (40)
• 1 tbsp of peanut butter (95)
• 1 slice of whole wheat bread (50)

Lunch: 118

• Sandwich (118)
• 1 slice of whole wheat bread (50)
• 1.5 slices of turkey (30)
• 1 slice of tomato (3)
• 1 tbsp of light mayo (35)

Snacks: 165

• Steamed broccoli & carrots (125)
• 1 cup of broccoli (54)
• 1 cup of carrots (35)
• 1 tbsp butter (36)
• 1/2 Gala apple (40)

Exercise: -219

• Walking - 70 min (-163)
• Walking upstairs - 3 min (-18)
• Squats & push-ups - 1 min (-6)
• Pilates - 8 min (-32)

Net Intake: 264/400 calories

Gonna have a smoke and then exercise my sorrows away.

24+ Hours

I'm starting to think that either the weed I smoked yesterday was laced. But I'm pretty sure it's all in my head. I'm just freaking the fuck out. I'm never smoking again. Not weed, not a cigarette, nothing.
I think I'm going to eat. Just soup. I'm not the slightest bit hungry, but maybe it'll make me feel better.

It's day 4, time to fast. I just have 9 hours to go.
Ugh. I'm finally sober again. Shit. I had a pretty bad trip last night. And I went wayyyyy over my calorie limit. I was trying to eat to come down. It didn't even fucking work. Oh well. I think I burned a ton of calories from freaking the fuck out, walking around outside for hours at 2 am and cleaning my entire kitchen. I am not about that life guys.
But yeah. I need to shower and drink some water.
I just really hope I didn't embarrass myself too bad when I started freaking the fuck out. It was so fucking scary ! D:

-Cassie 

3.26 Lunabelle Diet Day 2 Food Log

Breakfast: 175

• Vitamins (15)
• Oatmeal (160)
• 2 packs of Stevia (0)

Lunch: 111

• Sandwich (144)
• 1 slice of bread (50)
• 2 slices of turkey (40)
• 1 slice of tomato (3)
• 1/2 tbsp mustard (0)
• Light mayo (18)
• lettuce (0) 

Dinner: 270

• Fruit (30)
• 2 fish fillets (240)

Snacks: 259

• Baby carrots & Froot Loops: (33)
• 6 Triscuits (120)
• 1/5 banana split (106)

Exercise: -334

• 20 min walking during school: (-48)
• 60 min walking home from school: (-167)
• 30 min of Pilates (-119)

Net Intake: 481/500 calories

So. Very. Hungry.
I was about to steam some broccoli.
Fucking broccoli! It's 12:30 in the morning! Ugh! I guess I'll...eat a few baby carrots and maybe a Triscuit or two. Just to settle my stomach, you know.

Food Haul! Procrastination 2.0

 TW: Pictures of Food n Stuff!

100% Whole Wheat Bread: 50 cals/slice
Mustard: 0
Lettuce: 8 cals/cup
Tomato: 22 cal
Snapple: 200 cal/bottle
Turkey Breast: 20 cal/slice

Triscuits: 20 cal/cracker
Soup: 70 cal/serving (2 servings/can)

Gala Apples: 80 cals
Cup of Fruit Awesomness: 35 cal/cup
Bananas: 105 cal
Baby Carrots: 35 cal/3 oz. (85g)

Super stoked guys! I also bought broccoli so I can have steamed veggies and rice for dinner. I LOVE BEING HEALTHY! Just imagine how much better/easier it'll be when I have my own money and my own place :D

I'm starting the diet over

Please don't hate me guys! :x
I had a rocky start and I just want to start over. It's Monday and all. I had this revelation after I went most of the day at school without eating. No snacks, just a piece of gum in 3rd period. No stomach growling either! I think the cup of Froot Loops I eat everyday in 2nd period only makes me hungrier.
But yeah. I'm re-starting teh Lunabelle Diet and this time, since I know I can fast during the school day, I won't be switching too many of the days around. I won't let myself down this time!
So yeah, 700 cals today, 500 tomorrow. No biggie.
But I will not quit!
I refuse to sink.

-Cassie Ana

I only have an hour and a half left of my fast and my mom just ordered pizza .-. Oh my god!
I've decided that I'll finish up the fast and then eat a slice or two. Except I'll take the cheese and stuff of of it. I might even chew and spit.
Ugh! I have a 300 calorie limit today.

To-Do

• Wash hair
• Dishes
• Flat iron hair
• Clean Room
• Pre-Cal

I will make it a point to drink 1 cup of water every hour starting as soon as I get out of le shower! 

Water Fastttt!

It's day #3 and I'm 4 hours into my water fast. So I fucked up pretty bad yesterday and earlier today, but I am not giving up! So I won't be eating until tomorrow afternoon. Maybe later, if I have it in me.
So the plan for the rest of tonight is to clean, wash my hair, maybe take a few selfies and work on pre-cal.

-Cassie Ana

3.21 Lunabelle Diet Food Log

Breakfast: 131

• 1/2 cup of Froot Loops (55)
• 1/2 cup 2% milk (61)
• Vitamins (15)

Lunch: 229

• 1/2 cup of Froot Loops (55)
• Sandwich (110)
• 1 slice of white bread (60)
• Turkey lunch meat (50)
• 2 chicken nuggets (53)
• 7 grapes (11)

Dinner: 350

• 1 slice of Garlic Bread (150)
• Pasta (200)

Exercise: -237

• 3 min walking up stairs (-18)
• 15 min of walking during school (-43)
• 30 min of walking home (-68)
• 10 min of cardio (-49)
• 25 min of Pilates (-47)
• 5 min of dog walking (-12)

Net Intake: 473/700

Day 1 has gone well so far. I'm only 10 calories past my limit of 700 so I'll just do some Pilates to get myself below.
But why is it that whenever I start a new diet my mom decided to make cake or buy junk food? First world problems at their finest. But whatever. I get the whole day off from school tomorrow because I have to take this test for my dual credit classes. They're going to supply us with lunches sooooooooo yeah. We'll see what happens.
I'm going to walk to school in the morning so I can stop and buy some gum.
But for right now, I'm going to workout and possibly get rid of this horrible feeling of being full and fat.

Lunabelle Diet Before Photos + Stats

lunabellediet.tumblr.com/guidelines

My Before Photos:

CW: apx. 100 lbs / 45.36 kg

GW: 90 lbs / 40.8 kg

Bust: 30" / 76.2 cm

Waist: 24.5" / 62.2 cm

Hips: 34" / 86.4 cm

Thigh: 18" / 45.7 cm

Lunabelle Diet Tomorrow!

I've decided to start the Lunabelle Diet tomorrow as opposed to today because that will schedule the first fast day on Saturday. I've actually rearranged most of the days so I can avoid fasting during school. Having you stomach growl in class is the absolute worst! Oh and I don't want to pass out from all the flights of stairs I'm forced to climb everyday.

But yeah, I'm really excited. I need to do this. Not just to lose weight and look less disgusting, I need to focus my mind and energy on something. Anything. At the end of the day, Ana will always be there for me. She's the one thing I can count on.

It's 10 pm and I've actually done most of my homework. I took like a 3-hour nap earlier. Sooo I think I'll just do some chores around the house and then go to bed. I'm also going to reactivate my MyFitnessPal. Gosh I need batteries for my scale. Hopefully I can get some on Friday.
The biggest problem (aside from my horrible self-control issues) is the fact that Adriana always buys me stuff at lunch. It's so hard to not ask for things, but it's doable. I feel bad about it anyway. I need to get more gum.

I think that's it. Goodnight, my lovelies <3 Stay strong and refuse to sink.

-Cassie

I don't know what's wrong with me. This huge wave of depression and sadness just washed over me. I really want to cry. I really want to cut. And I just want to die.
I'm so fat and useless and awkward and I just hate myself! I want to get out of here! I want this all to end. School, people, disappointment, I just want it all to go away. I hate everyone and everything and I don't want to be here anymore!
I don't know what I'm doing or who I am or what I even want. I just know that I don't want this. I can't bear to go through this day after day, torturing myself. It just hurts so bad!! I just want it all to end. Not my life, just...this.
I'm probably just going to cut again and go to sleep. It's been a day and 5 months...

Naps, New Diets & Shitty Feelings

I just woke up from a horrible nap. You know those naps where you really didn't plan to fall asleep but you did and you had some fucked up dream that you can barely remember? And all your negative emotions from the day just resurface? That's how I feel. I just feel icky and gross. I'm going back to sleep as soon as I finish this.

I found a new diet called the Lunabelle Diet. It's like the ABC/SGD but it has a little more emphasis on fasting. The calorie limit starts off sorta high around 700 and 500 but they go to around 200 and 100. We all know that I'm not very good at sticking to calorie limits, but I think i'm gonna do it. I'm getting fat and I need something to occupy my time and thoughts. Before I go insane.
I just found out that my mom and grandparents are going to California for 4 days because of my cousin's graduation. I'm obviously staying here because of school. My grandma want me to stay with a relative, but that's fucking dumb. I essentially live by myself already so whatever. Point is, if I get to stay home by myself (which I will), I can effectively fast the entire time. And I will.

Anyway, I haven't eaten too much today. I would make a formal food log but I don't know the calories of anything I ate. I just had cereal in the morning, Froot Loops throughout the day, a pizza stick and a cookie at lunch, about half a cup worth of pomegranate smoothing and like half of a chocolate chip cookie. That was around 4:30-ish. I haven't eaten since then and I don't think I'm going to. I don't want to. I'm not hungry at all. And it's 9 pm. No eating after 8 pm.
God I have to resist the temptation but it's so fucking hard! I think I'll just eat left over spaghetti.
Tomorrow I'm starting the Lunabelle Diet. Hopefully it goes well.

-Cassie

My week of freedom is over. It went by so damn quick. But it was great. It was really just one big blur. I'm obviously not too thrilled about going back to school, but at least I get to see my friends and workout and what not.
I've decided that I'm going to start taking pole dancing lessons-whenever I can convince my mom to let me. I asked her today and she said no, but I'm sure I'll be able to convince her. She's not the type that thinks it's sleazy and completely linked to stripping. She understands the athletic part of it. Which is why I really want to do it. How many fat pole dancers do you see? None. Everyone says how physically demanding it is and such. I mean, it takes so much strength and yeah, I digress.
This is sorta random but not very off topic but: I think I'm going to become a stripper when I turn 18. You know, just as a part-time job instead of getting a real one. It seems easy enough and I'll be completely forced to be thin and toned and such. I'm pretty enough, and now I have like a year and a half to get really hot!
Maybe, if my mom says no to pole dancing, I'll start taking ballet classes. Anything to burn calories. And ballet is hard as fuck too.

Umm...yeah. I'm procrastinating hardcore right now. I don't even remember what I need to do for school. But I'm in a great mood. It's warm out, it's sunny (well, it's almost 7pm but yeah), my house is clean, my clothes are washed, I just feel good. Except for this disgusting full feeling I have because I ate shit food today. But whatever. It's Sunday. I'll workout after I do some homework.

That's really all that has happened. Well, my ex started texting me and essentially just wanted to have sex with me. Despite the fact that he's a gross peasant, it was definitely an ego boost. Oh and my other ex from 7th grade started texting me as well. Again. He wants me back. He has an even lesser chance of dating me, but again it was a total ego boost.

-Cassie Ana

I need to smoke

Dear lord, everything that has happened in the past 48 hours...I can't deal. It's really nothing significant but Jesus Christ. I want need to smoke so damn bad. Hopefully Hailey can come over tomorrow and she might bring cigarettes.
I think I'm going to fast today. Eating just doesn't feel appealing, and I feel so skinny today.

It's happening again.
The feelings are back.
Maybe it's because I feel horrible and I have so much shit to do (and it's almost 9 pm)
I'm crashing.

I'm sick.

It feels like the inside of my face is on fire. My head is throbbing. My throat hurts super bad.
It's not unbearable, just very uncomfortable and inconvenient and I think I'm just going to drown myself with water and tea for the rest of the day. And sleep. So much sleep.

I took a nap, woke up to find out that my favorite band is coming here in April, and now I'm about to do some Pilates. Today is a lower body day for #MarkMakeover. I fucking love leg workouts.
I'm super dehydrated though. I'm trying to make it a point to continuously drink water. Water is good. I'm still really out of it from just waking up so sorry for my rambling. Meh.

-Cassie Ana

College

Things will be so much easier in college. I'll be on my own, with my own money buying my own food. I'll actually be able to buy healthy food. Or I'll be able to deprive myself of food all together. I won't buy cake and cookies and random shit that will tempt me to binge. I'm far too cheap to splurge on shit food, my parents are the ones who bring that crap onto the house.
I'm excited, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that being in college, being able to not eat so easily and workout mercilessly (time-permitting), I'll just exacerbate my eating disorder.
But I'd be completely lying if I said I'm more afraid than excited. I'm 90% excited. I can't wait! I still have no idea where I'm going to college (I don't even know where I'll be living come August) but it doesn't matter.
College! Dorms! Freedom! asdfghjkl; It's one of the main things that keeps me going, knowing that I'll be out of here soon. I can't wait until I can get into the real world, away from all this high school bullshit.
Just a year and a half to go...

-Cassie Ana

There is literally nothing better than working out. I just did 12 minutes of Pilates and I feel fantastic ^_^ When you're completely absorbed in nearly unbearable pain and it takes ever fiber of your being to push through and finish a set, you just can't be bothered to worry about petty problems.
I'm starting Casey Ho's monthly workout plan #MarchMakeover. (You can sign up on Blogilates.com)
My goal is to workout 6 days this week. So far I've got 1 down (: That'm my new challenge. I'll start off small and simple, gain self-control, and work my way up to the ABC diet. That diet is like...I can't even. I always try and fail miserably. But one day I will complete it.

Anyway, I really should start my homework. None of it is due until Tuesday so I'm procrastinating hardcore.

-Cassie Ana

It feels like spring. It sorta makes me sad. I really hate sunny days when I have no where to go and nothing to do. But I also hate cloudy days because they make me feel crappy and depressed. I can't win.
I think this St. John's Wort is the only thing keeping me from throwing myself from a window.

But I digress. I'm actually up before 2 pm for once and I haven't eaten in a long while. Like...since 2 I think. I'm not 100% though. I had to of eaten something...I know I had a big of apple juice. Regardless, I'll try to go as long as I can without food. Maybe all day until tomorrow morning. I have more than enough to do to keep me occupied.

Later I'll probably do some Pilates. I miss it.
I haven't been drinking nearly enough water. I'm going to make some tea.

-Cassie Ana

Sleep & Water

Two things I love. Two things I don't get enough of.
I should really finish my pre-cal homework and study for tomorrow's APUSH test, but instead I'm going to actually go to bed before 11 pm. After I drink this bottle of water. I've been pretty dehydrated lately. I really need to stop drinking juice. No more. Just water and tea for now on.

Things are getting better. Still confusing, still slow, and I'm still fat. But things are getting better.

I ate pizza for breakfast, I walked almost 2 hours home from Starbucks, and I've only eaten an apple so far.
Meh.

In Too Deep

What have I done? What type of Hell have I created for myself?
I'm finally starting to feel like my old self, who I was before all this shit happened. Before all these people entered my life and destroyed everything I had built. As the days pass, I slowly become the old Cassie. Listening to Lana Del Rey, watching Skins, doing Blogilates videos, drinking green tea day and night.
The girl I was before Homecoming. Before winter. Before cigarette smoke.
Just like always, I want so badly to go back to how things were. When it was just me-no one else.

I think I'm gaining that whether I like it or not. Because I think I'm officially in too deep. I want to get away; I wanted to get away and I tried for a while, but Ana has pulled me back in. Now the same soft ballads of video games and radios are playing, except now they have a new somber dagger which stabs deeper into my heart. They fill my mind with thoughts of sparkles and high heels and everything I have taken for granted.

This feeling is so heavy in my chest, as well as my throat and my mind and behind my eyes. I just wish I could block out everything. I just wish that I could repress everything that occurred before winter hit. But I have to bear the winter and the autumn and now the coming spring if I wish to get back to summer. I know this time won't be the same, but hopefully it won't be nearly as painful as now.

Now I'm off on a tangent. I let things go too far. That's what I'm trying to say. I let things get way out of hand and now I can't escape. Now I don't want to, because it's not about being skinny, it's about going back to the life I had before this. When it was just me. Ana has me now. Completely. But...I was the one who betrayed her. Time after time after fucking time. I let guys come between us. I let my loneliness and my insecurities convince me to betray her. I should of just trusted her. Because Ana is the only one who hasn't left me. And she never will. She's the only one that will always be there for me no matter what. Even when I push her away. Even when I don't heed her warnings. Ana never leaves. She never leaves any of us. Even if we want her to.
Ana is the epitome of loyalty.

-Cassie

I don't want to be too skinny, but I don't want to be fat

I don't aspire to be 85 lbs, but I still want prominent hip and collar bones.
I don't want stick skinny arms, but I want slimmer thighs.
I don't want to lose the tiny breast I already have, but I want a flat stomach. So bad.

Now I don't know what to do. I don't want to be "anorexic skinny". I want curves. But in specific places. And I know that if I start gaining weight I can't pick and choose where I want the fat to go. It's so fucking frustrating I don't know what to do! I've eaten "normally" for the past few days and I'm already gaining. It's my stomach. My fucking stomach. It's huge and I hate it!
Tomorrow I'm going to go back to my workout routine, specifically abs and thighs. And I'm also going to be focusing more on low-carb as opposed to low-calorie (still staying way below 1000 if I can help it). I guess this will be my little experiment. Maybe if I focus more on exercise instead of restricting I'll get the results I want.
We'll see.

-Cassie

I'm so fucking fat!
I hate this, I really do!
I don't want to be stick-skinny, but I sure as Hell don't want to be fat. And that's unfortunately where I'm going.
I can't wait to go back to working out tomorrow. Not only did it obviously make me look better, it made me tons happier as well.

I was actually considering "recovering". But...I don't know, I talk about it in a bit when I finish my homework.

So.
Much.
Homework.

You guys have nooo idea what I've been through in the last week or so. Oh my gosh!
Long story short: That guy whose been stalking me is gone and everything is back to normal.
I'm actually happy now. I mean, I'm happy with myself. I applied for a job today, and there are a few more places I'm applying to this week. School is okay. I just feel like I'm ready to start working towards my goals again.

I've made some changes though. Some revelations, I guess. I don't want to be super skinny anymore. I'm not sure if I ever really wanted to, to be honest. Now I just want to be attractive. I want nice thighs, a nice butt, a tiny waist. So...sorta the same thing I was going for before I guess.
I don't know.
I just know that I won't be restricting nearly as much. I'm still gonna try to keep it below 1,000. Never ever more than that. And I'll definitely be working out everyday. I want to be hot before I leave for California, you know?

It's like 1 am so I guess I should go to bed now.

Update

I've realized that trying to stick to calorie limits does nothing but cause me to binge. I think I'm just gonna focus on creating good, stable habits first.
Meh. I'm such a failure at diets.

But mainly, I want to work on becoming a good, not-shitty person. By next year, whether I'm in Long Beach or here, I want to be different. I want to be the person I've always wanted to be. Not something fake, not something I'm not, just a good person. And thin. But mainly a good person.

-Cassie

Plan For Tonight

Walk the dog

Have a smoke

Shower

Write an essay

Study for Pre-Cal

Sleep

I can't sleep. I've been up for a while looking at info about night sweats. Some sources say they occur because you body is lacking potassium/the hormones are getting fucked up (getting worse). Other sources say it's because your metabolism is getting started again because you're recovering/eating more (getting better).
Now I don't know what to think. I don't want to be getting better. I want to get worse.
Sicker.
Until this becomes easier.

-Cassie Ana

Food Log 2.10.12

Breakfast: 0/0

Lunch: 2/0

• 1 cup of green tea (0/0)
• 1/2 piece of gum (2/0)

Dinner: 432/80

• 1/2 cup of green tea (0/0)
• 2 peppermint candies (40/30)
• 2 fish fillets (230/20)
• 1 banana (105/27)
• 1 Milano cookie (57/3)

Exercise: -272

• 7 min workout (-44)
• 10 min walking to and from my stalker's house (-24)
• 7 min workout (-44)
• 25 min workout (-160)
• 10 min of dog walking (-20)

TOTAL: 162 calories & 80g of carbs

Goals & Rewards

95 lbs - 10,000 mcg Biotin pills 

90 lbs - New nail polish

85 lbs - PINK backpack

80 lbs - Band merch 

Someone please come wire my jaw shut

Why do I do these things? Why do I fuck up all my progress? Why do I eat?
Fuck!

I've developed a new rule for myself: I can eat all I want just as long as I work off twice an many calories beforehand. Even though I'll be on the ABC, I'm still going to be shooting for negative calories.
God, you don't know how wonderful it feels to be empty, pure. You can't even fathom the joy it brings me to lay on the cold living room floor as my vision slowly fades. And the pleasure from the uncontrollable stomach contractions from vomiting out all the toxins. An especially the tightness of your abdomen after 25 hours of eating absolutely nothing.
And the weakness.
The fear of exercising, walking up stairs, or even getting up to plug in your laptop charger because you may become faint.
I love it. It makes me sad that I'll have to wait a whole week to attempt a real fast again, but tomorrow I won't eat a thing. I have an idea:

Whenever I get the urge to eat something, I'll work off twice the amount of calories I would of ingested from it (like I mentioned above). And hopefully I'll kill off so much time I won't even be able to eat.
I don't really know what I'm going on about now.

My goal is to workout 5 times tomorrow. I need to punish myself for what I did tonight.

-Cassie

DIY Hair Mask ^_^

All you'll need is:

• 1 ripe avocado
• 1/2 ripe banana
• 1 egg yolk
• 2 tbsp olive oil
• 1 tbsp tea tree oil

Then just mix everything together. It works better if you have a blender. You want everything to be smooth and creamy so it goes on well. 

Apply it to your hair and let it sit for at least 30-60 minutes, or you can leave it in all night.

Tips: 

1. Before you apply it, rinse your hair with warm/hot water to open up the cuticles to allow the product to penetrate deeper.
2. Warm the mask up in the microwave, this will also help.
3. You can use more or less of any ingredient, depending on your hair type and hair length.

"Starvation is fulfilling. Colors become brighter, sounds sharper, odors so much more savory and penetrating that inhalation fills every fiber and pore of the body. The greatest enjoyment of food is actually found when never a morsel passes the lips"

I feel as though I'm high. Like I just smoked a thousand Black 100's. And I'm incapable of feeling emotion. Or even thinking, really. This is wonderful. This is beautiful.

I'm not the slightest bit hungry either. I'm craving hardcore (my grandma just bought us groceries), but I could go all night without ingesting a single calorie-self-control permitting.
I feel so fragile. I'm afraid to move too quickly or make any sudden movements out of fear of passing out. Fortunately the nausea is gone.

It's been 26 hours since I had a real meal.
23 since I had a sip of monster.
And about 4 since I had 1/2 a cup of pudding of which I'm really regretting.
I think I'm going to eat one more peppermint candy to calm my stomach and then hopefully I can do something productive with my day.

-Cassie Ana

I woke up a few minutes ago feeling awful. I felt like I started my period: nausea, slight cramps, just an all-around shitty feeling. I knew I would end up passing out or something so I took some vitamins.
I was actually going to crave and eat something, but I ended up on the living room floor vomiting what I guess were the gummy vitamins. It was awful, but now I'm okay. I had to cave a bit and I ate about 50 calories worth of pudding. But I took more vitamins and now I'm relatively okay. Just paranoid.

-Cassie Ana

Food Log 2.8.13

Breakfast: 175/33

• Vitamins (15/0)
• Oatmeal (160/33)
• 2 packets of Stevia (0/0)

Lunch: 187/13

• Sandwich 
• 1 slice of whole wheat bread (70/13)
• 1 slice of turkey (17/0)
• Mustard (0/0)
• 5 pieces of popcorn chicken (100/?)

Dinner:

• 1 cup of Green Tea (0/0)

Exercise: -152

• 20 min walking to school  (-48)
• 20 min walking during school (-48)
• 10 min of walking (-24)
• 5 min workout (-32)

TOTAL: 210 calories & 46g of carbs

Bleh.

So I don't know how. but I feel asleep for a bit, woke up, and now I feel shitty.
Shitty because, well I just woke up, and double shitty because I had a dream about my ex and now I'm just in an annoyed mood.
Plus it's cold.
Plus my water is probably frozen because I forgot to take it out of the freezer.
Plus Blake asked that guy that I sorta like "what he thinks of me" and he's being a butt and won't tell me what he said. He said he doesn't want to interfere.
I'm sure he just said that he doesn't really know who the fuck I am and Blake's just fucking with me. Oh well.  I have far more important things to worry about.

I'm not hungry, thank God. I've realized that my "hunger" really only comes with boredom. Bleh. I feel so shitty. I'm too cold to live.

-Cassie

Starting My Fast Early

Life is so upsetting sometimes, but it's the hate, disappointment, and anger that drive me to not eat. I've probably mentioned this before, but starving/restricting has become my form of self-harm as well as an eating disorder.

But I digress. It's 7pm, I just made a cup of tea and I found a bunch of weight loss/ED documentaries to get me through tonight. I'm super tired so it won't be too hard to fall asleep at a reasonable time tonight, thus reducing the risk of me eating.

So I'm officially fasting. Nothing but water and tea at least until Sunday, unless my mother decides to actually feed me - which I highly doubt. 

Wish me luck guys.

I'm actually looking forward to possibly passing out.

-Cassie Ana

Things Have Changed

I don't want to die anymore. Maybe the St. John's Wort is working. Before I felt as though the possibility of dying was a nice plus to following Ana, but now I want to stay alive. I think I'm just so excited about moving to Long Beach, going to college, just seeing what life has in store for me. That's a good thing! I think. Now I'm actually worried about dying. I'm scared. I know I won't (I'm not nearly sick enough), but I'm still a bit paranoid, you know?

Ugh. I just can't wait until I leave this place. Seeing him with his new girlfriend was rather painful. It wasn't too bad (fortunately I almost completely over the fucker). In reality I'm just pissed that he doesn't want me. It's just an ego thing. That makes me happy.
What am I going on about?

Blake apparently asked the guy I want to fuck I'm crazy about what he thinks of me and whatnot, and now he's not replying to tell me what he said. Life is suffering! But I miss having a crush on a guy. I've missed this feeling of anxiety and wondering and asdfghjkl; It makes me feel normal, like my old self.
I really want some tea but I'm too lazy to get up to make some .-.

-Cassie

Food Log 2.7.13

Breakfast: 215/30

• Vitamins (15)
• Cereal & milk (200/30g)

Lunch: 329/39

• Sandwich
• 2 sliced of wheat bread (140/26)
• 2 sliced of turkey (34/0)
• 1 tbsp of mayo (100/0)
• Mustard (0)
• 1/2 cup of Froot Loops (55/13)

Dinner: 450/61

• Lasagna (340/37)
• Chocolate pudding (110/24)

Exercise: -339

• 20 min walking to school (-48)
• 20 min walking during school (-48)
• 10 min walking home (-24)
• 30 min cleaning (-72)
• 20 min workout (-127)
• 10 min of dog walking (-20)

TOTAL: 655/69

You guys should talk to me sometimes, I don't bite!

Seriously. I know I'm no expert, but if you guys ever have questions or need advice or just want to vent you can always talk to me. My email is cassieana85@gmail.com

Before Pictures

So this is me, Cassie. 5'3, a whopping 100-and-something pounds. I'm really proud of my thigh gap though. It's fucking huge! It's gotten so much wider since last summer. 

But yeah, since I have an actual webcam now I can post more pictures, and my grandma is buying me more batteries for my scale so I can have an exact weigh in for you guys tomorrow (:

Food Log 2.6.13

Breakfast: (175/33)

• Oatmeal (160 cal/ 33 carbs)
• Stevia (0)
• Vitamins (15)

Lunch:  (192/26)

• Sandwich: (137)
• 1 slice of Wheat bread (70/13)
• 1 slice of Turkey (17/0)
• 1/2 tbsp of mayo (50/0)
• 1/2 cup of Froot Loops (55/13)

Dinner: (500/70)

• Some sort of frozen pasta stuff (360/35)
• 10 oz of apple juice (140/35)

Exercise: (-148)

• 20 minutes of walking in the morning (-48)
• 20 minutes of walking during school (-48)
• 5 minute workout (-32)
• 10 minutes of dog walking (-20)

TOTAL: (746/129)

Update 2.6.13

So I'm moving to Southern California in the summer.
How the fuck this happened, I have no idea. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't completely stoked about it. I always get high expectations and hopes when I move, be it a new state,  a new school or just a new class at the end of the semester. I think I've just watched too much Skins and 90210. I have this vision that when I move there I'll be the new girl who makes tons of friends, goes to the beach, etc. But I digress.
The only things I'm worried about are graduation requirements, leaving my grandparents and leaving my band.

I really don't want to leave my grandparents. They are everything to me. My grandmother has practically raised me and we wouldn't have shit if it wasn't for them. They've help us so much. But my grandmother always says that if my mom and I ever decide to move back to California they will too, but further South. So hopefully things will work themselves out. I need my grandparents, guys.

If I do move, I'll have to take another year of P.E.. I was really stressed about it first, but then I realized that it could be beneficial. I won't have to exercise as much at home if I can do it at school. So that's not too big of a deal.

And then there's my band. We're finally making progress and I really don't want to risk giving up my dream, you know? I mean, where I'm moving (Ventura, Anaheim, LA, etc) has an amazing music scene. The chances of me joining/starting a successful band there is probably way higher than here. No, it definitely is. And not even being in a band, just anything with music. I'll probably have wayyy more opportunities there. But still, I'm just afraid that what I have now is my only chance. I'm just paranoid, you know?

So yeah. Once I get over all of that I really really really want to move. I've already severed most of the ties I have with this place. It's like my soul has already moved. I don't belong here; Never have, never will. Since December I've been wanting to leave. I wanted to move in with my dad. I just don't want to be here anymore. This town is dead, believe it or not. And I'm just sick of all these people. Everyone that has ever hurt me or screwed me over is here. I want nothing more than to just leave them all behind and start over. I want to take all I have learned, all I have gained in the last 6 years and start over somewhere new. I don't regret moving down here, I'm just ready to leave. I've received all I could take from this place, it seems.

Sorry if I'm rambling. This is where Ana ties in:
I have about 8 months until I move. I really want to reach my UGW by then. My life is pretty stable now: My grades are good, school is chill, my emotions are under control, I've given up on solved all the problems I've had with specific people. Things aren't perfect, but they're alright. As in, I'm stable enough to go back to Ana. Before just the thought of counting calories made me asdfghjkl; but now I'm okay. I'm capable of focusing on reaching my GW's, and that's what I shall do! I have 8 fucking months! I think I'm capable of losing at least 10 lbs by then. And I obviously have to get super hot before I move, right? I mean it's on the beach guys! Bikinis and hot guys and such! And I'll be a Senior...I have to be attractive. And I will be.

God, I just want this so bad. I want to move. I want to start over. I'm already who and what I want to be, I just want to be where I belong. I can do this. Things will be great! I feel as though everything that has happened in the last 2 or so months has lead up to this.

And even if I don't more, things will be cool. I'll be a Senior with only 3 classes to take. I'll have friends and hopefully a license and regardless of what happens things will be great. Wow.

tl;dr: I'm looking forward to moving to Southern California because I want to start over, I'm going to reach my GW before I move, regardless of what happens my life is pretty great.

-Cassie Ana

I think I'll pull a Fall Out Boy and come off of hiatus now

I think it's time for me to start posting again. Gosh guys so much stuff has happened.
Well, not really. The basics:

• All my grades are decent
• Junior year is coming to an end
• I'm moving back to California in the summer
• I tried at-home recovery and...no thanks

So I'm back with Ana. I'm back to counting calories and working out and I just really want to reach my UGW. I'm going to take a shower and whatever and then I'll be back to go into more detail.

-Cassie

Ana's back

It was a nice few days, but she's back. Just all the shit that's been happening...I need to do something, I need control over something, anything. So yeah, fuck everything.

Fuck everyone.
I hate everyone.
I'm never eating again.

-Cassie Ana